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butch1977

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  1. butch1977

    HOTDOGS

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    I should be happy and excited about Hot Dogs coming out on Sunday it's the first time I will be putting out a song my own song that I wrote by myself and the piano is myself also but right now I just am really sad and in a deep depression again and I hate it I hate feeling so lonely and going on these f****** apps just make you realize that you are completely alone and no one cares and just being on that thing just makes that even more in your face so going on f****** Grindr because you're feeling sad and lonely it's going to make you feel even sadder and even lonelier and I can't take it anymore I really am sick of it so I am coming on and writing a Blog about hot dogs because I'm feeling really sad and if I don't think of something else or do something else I didn't get even sadder and I don't feel like f****** crying in bed against it's just too much I just going to put on Here's Lucy and hopefully not have any nightmares was last night and the night before I've had really awful nightmares the one today I woke up in a likes Panic State all sweaty and and just scared and I hate having these night terrors state I hadn't had one in a few months I haven't had any but just the last weaker so bad dreams and bad dreams and bad dreams and I hate it so I'm trying to take some bong rips and relax my mind but I've said it before getting stoned by myself now isn't fun anymore either it's just lonely and being alone is is tough it's very tough and difficult for me these days I have to sneeze I just sneezed I'm using the text microphone so I don't have to be using the keypad so there might be some errors somewhat but errors but I really don't care I don't even know I'd I just and really tired of it so let me talk about hot dogs instead it's going to be available on all platforms and I am will be known as Sonic pressure the artist and independent artist but my song will be available this Sunday February 6th at 6 a.m. and it's a it's exciting but it's like it's exciting for about me and that's it no one else really gives a s*** so that's like kind of sad but I should be used to it because things always turn out bad it's sad but it's true but it would really be great if my song blew up and because it's pretty cool and it sounds cool but if it do you know really gif it turned into a hit and I'm like I became like known for music wouldn't that be interesting cuz I have a whole bunch of s*** that I have written that original s*** it's not this crap like I love you to Infinity that's ridiculous these other songs in this crap of today but I know if I if I knew someone in like the music business here that a big record label giving me exposure than I know it would blow up because there'd be the exposure cuz these other assholes that blow up it's because they're stuck in your face Kanye West he's no one wants to hear his mouth all of it all of his crap is just annoying and if Madonna is ever reading these like the blog that some of the people on here on icon have left then I'm if she wanted a new sound something that no one's ever heard then she she would want to collaborate with me because no one has ever heard anything like me so of that that would be something good.
  2. butch1977

    Hotdogs! and 4:20 am

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    Merry Christmas so I can have some updates to to everything I'm really high as a kite right now and so this might not make sense but my new single my first single ever hot dogs is going to be coming out out soon buy whole album was not planned it was some sonnets and poems Shakespearean sonnets to be correct and somehow it. Has ended with our kind came to me singing or speaking whatever I don't know how to explain it but I've really been kind of sad and today has been I'm pretty sad but I've kept it together and it's 4:08 a.m. so it's a new day and I just smoked big blunt that was really decent I'm trying to remain calm and not start to panic because I've been panicking a lot lately and it's very disturbing and it's scaring me kind of but the song Hot Dogs my producer is telling me to have the album art artwork ready and it's coming along but she originally said that my album was going to be up before Halloween and and Halloween was months ago but it's just a little strange that in other words over Christmas I was having a bad gout attack and I was walking around with my cane like Selma Blair but it really hurt thank goodness it's going away but it's not good and I think I'm going through an episode of mania because I'm I don't know how to just describe it but it's nothing more than all over the place it's like today I was watching a hummingbird feeder and I had filled all of them today I made new hummingbird food but I was sitting in my car getting stoned and I was just staring off into will not staring off into space just looking atla cast the front door to the house and just thinking all this sad stuff end like not being able to snap out of it it was I know I hated it it was really awful and I never I always could do you like Nat and just get up and wipe all that s*** off I've been really sad being all alone at 4:15 a.m. is really sad I used to not give a s*** but now lonely this in the silence it's almost dead deafening did you hear that did anyone stomach just Rumble I just had the classic you're wondering where that came from I am doing I don't know what it's called speaking and it's like writing everything out I know it has a word but so that's why it's if you're reading this is like like whoa whoa whoa whoa but it's easier to do this then really stoned and crying that type this little device and it takes a long ass time so doing it like this is way easier I tried and like before it posts or I put it on I like to proofread bike on God damn Instagram the way it's set up if you go back and you want it edit your post where the cursor is is that on the on the page you have to scroll up or scroll down and then when you pillow letter it goes all the way back up to the it's just as this weird thing so it's editing picture is not like it was before before I think it is that was done on in more other news it's 4:18 a.m. it's almost 4:20 a.m. and I was just going to mention Simon by completely forgot what I was getting at anyways just chairs made this weird sound that I'm sitting on it sounds funny it's f****** cold let me see it's a f****** 30-something degrees I had my blankies on it's little heater that's not working very well it's 4:19 a.m. damn I am so damn stone oh that's why I was going to I didn't know I was going to talk about my only fans page and no it's not what your what anyone's thinking of what that it was summer time I wanted to do Stephon the yard and all that and work on my tan and content like that my scar from that surgery ended up getting all jacked up so I had to wear a shirt so it didn't get more messed up so there went that influencer part about the tan B so it is now 4:20 a.m.
  3. butch1977

    Instagram

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So I've spent a majority of last night and this morning in tears. I've just been really down,  i was just on ig.  I was taking some bong rips and i saw Madonna's latest post. She can post whatever she likes. I don't judge. But these days social media haters are downright mean. The comments made me really sad,  they were  a majority  of mean, ageist comments.  The amount of comments coming from life long fans who  don't consider themselves fans anymore. Madonna has been pushing buttons since day one.  But this I don't understand giving haters more fuel to talk shit.  Madonna can shock people  in many ways.  She doesn't need to get naked. These days, people are ridiculed no matter what they do. Someone always gets upset about something,  but  she's giving haters material and having comments on is just allowing and  welcoming the negativity. Unless Madonna wants to read mean things about herself.  I just really am sad and really depressed and  seeing all the comments bashing her just bothers me. Right now i need some positivity  because I've lost it  Feeling hopeless has been trying to take over.
  4. butch1977

    LIVE

    By butch1977,


    live
    I now have I now have the ability to go live on YouTube before when I tried it said I needed to have a certain amount of subscribers so I wasn't able to.  That's bulshit anyways for the last couple months they must have changed it because now my channel.  I am allowed to go live.  Isn't that great so since. Im currently at a very depressed era in my life.  More than ive ever felt.  one thing that I did notice is when I'm feeling so lonely and awful really late.  Going live is like you're talking to someone and i dont feel  completely alone.  So  last night I went live and was talking about an hour and a half I was like I'm Delilah Hamlin and her really long live on ig and none of it was like thought out or planned there was no script behind it but I cover up lot of topics and very personal topics ones that I've only went into on certain forms I've blogged about it on here before. The abuse  s*** . I'm talking about rape and all that and it was It was kind of bizarre because it's very very personal and private and from my videos on my YouTube tell me the person behind all of that there's an I've never really made videos with myself I've never made them where I talked in them previously because I didn't don't like the my voice so putting my face and voice has not been something that I've that I've always done I would say the past 2 years maybe. II don't think anyone will ever watch those videos of me babbling on and on about all kinds of s*** .
    So in other news I am going to work on my album this Sunday I was supposed to on Wednesday but it didn't happen and it was supposed to happen last week sometime it didn't happen either My producer has been a little preoccupied with himself and his other Music . One of them is a band that's been broken up for about 10 years plus and he just recently had said that he was had so much stuff that he was doing and he needed to slow down but when Instagram shows all those stories and shit he's posting of all of this his other music. Songs that were not recorded and unheard Little Gems.  I think that they that wait another few months because I think I originally said that there was talk that my album would be out by Halloween . I didn't think it was going to be done I was right. But when I see that there's other stuff that's getting attention that I had heard was not going to get attention I get confused and it irritates me . I don't mind that people have other things to do but don't say you're going to do something and then not.
    If it's all talk and no action then that's all it is is just talk. It's very frustrating when people get amnesia like that so easily they just forget what they talked about or what they said they were going to do. I don't get it cuz I know what I say and when I say I'm going to do something I do it and I get the job done . I take  giving my word serious. I don't say I'm going to do something and not do it if I say I'm going to do it you better believe I'll do it and if I promise that I'll do it there's no way in hell that I will not do it because it's a promise I will do it and I keep my word. With me it's loyalty, kindness and honesty and no bulshit I keep it real.
  6. butch1977

    November

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    happy Halloween
    so it's now November 1st and Halloween was yesterday it was decent but I was severely sad and its eally starting to be an issue.
    and I having anxiety and these controllable meltdowns or just little things and then I will blubbering mess and it's like I can't pull it together it's it's f****** awful and the feeling of how awful end just like it's a nightmare that's how it is that scared feeling it's it's and it's been getting worse it hasn't been getting better at all and play album was I think I had mentioned that the perp my producer said it would be out by 9 or before Halloween and of well it's Halloween was yesterday and my time in the studio this last week was early too have a longer time to get do more however by the time was cut short because my producer had a appointment for getting a haircut I'm not shiting you and then there was a little talk about it but it's not really important if it was like moving a house in like physical labor not the one to come to but really in getting more disappointed in my supposed best friends I think whenever I'm writing a Blog on here I'm talking about how sad I am and it's but it's getting worse and worse and it's okay I was going to stop beating around the bush if someone says or talks about suicide you one of the things listed in the what you should do is for support to the person who's feeling like that one of them was to Safe safer going to do something and and do it actually do it keep commitments and s*** like that and it also has versus its to be taking taken seriously majorly and if you would it's gotten to the point to where you have been to this more than once like a shitload and getting a little more more knowledge about it and get sentence respond response that is if it's not supportive especially when you say you're going to do something for his and then did it doesn't happen but the social media shows that all of this other stuff is big oh taken care of and addressed and album artwork that I created and this is what I got out of the hospital last year I saw that it was it was you some of it was used but it look like it had been edited somehow is that just rubs me the wrong way and I think it that's like a shity thing to do cuz I don't know about you but a friend shouldn't well sirens there was some Sirens just going by and I thought I was recording this video but I'm writing a Blog what I'm speaking into the of tablet because if I was busy it would be really hard to be typing all of this but to sum it all up I think a response a few weeks ago with is it this weekend we'll talk about the subject of pills and then when that happens it's it's not even mentioned again so I'm trying to. Put as he was identity out there but I remember also blocking about my friends who had really hurt my feelings this is the same friend if there is just Ben selfish behavior on the other part again and again and it's not cool and especially with how the difficult things have been and I'm not I don't want anyone's sympathy but I might just likes some understanding be because friends or anyone basically says it fits they talk about suicide that it's serious and it's not it's not something that's supposed to be I just have really gotten sick of like that total it's very sad and of it's really sad that you can that best friends that you would deduct do it anything for because just because but they will give you the same date when you have someone who if they say they're going to do it and is always there and does it 2 I've seen probably way too much that bye best friends when it when it comes down to it they're more concerned with themselves and that's a pretty selfish it's especially when just laziness on the other part I just took a huge bong rip Police telephone that's another thing why using the speaker on this s*** because it's typing on the phone cats like whoa It's takes even longer so except some of the things that it's it doesn't allow to forward f*** it has the little like simple do you know what I'm saying but how much do and I lost my train of thought but basically tres just one protect this is that and don't expect to be treated nice. And daididau 8% of people are more concerned with themselves and it's really selfish and it's pretty rude especially with these selfish people aren't getting what they want and then they're like complaining to you about it it's stupid and all these people with goddamn amnesia they say something good don't follow through with it you know what like that previous the topic I was talking about so so anyways that's about all that go to bed it's it's already 3 3 a.m. but this sundowning s*** that's black people only old people had that is he what he's
  7. butch1977

    Britney is my spirit animal

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    After i just saw a news story about Brit,  it just set in stone how my life and Brit's life intertwine,  the headline said, 'Britney rides motorcycle after putting family on blast' i love her.  I myself posted a meme on my ig of how i hate my brother including its very own scathing caption. So I'm totally for Britney to talk trash on family!
  8. butch1977

    Boring

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So apparently the vmas were on. Mtv has become a joke and the vmas have sucked for years now. I did see that Madonna was there from her ig post. When i was reading the comments, it was really disheartening to see how mean people can be. Even her so called 'fans' are talking shit. I did see some real fans. Her ensemble was interesting.  Well Madonnas ensembles have always been on the next level, the vma ensemble wasn't my favorite but Madonna does what she wants and always has. One thing that bothers me is the ageism. The 'old' comments were really mean. One thing is people are so disrespectful and she is a legend and she deserves respect especially while she is still alive. I don't even want to think of life without her in it.
  9. butch1977

    Really Sad

    By butch1977,


    Yikes
    It's 3 a.m. I'm really sad I've been sad all day well I've been sad my whole life but right now I really really sad I hate it I had my appointment with my psychiatrist today and it was all right but I could tell her that I want off the planet because it's it's too much and I am having difficulties so everything is really hard and I'm really sad and all these thoughts that are not even true are going through my head and freaking me out and I hate it it's life time like right now cuz it's really late and I feel so alone that I want to put my head through a window or something cuz I'm driving me insane and I was crying just a few minutes ago I hate it I hate everything pretty much. Getting dubbed had a really negative impact on me and it has not gotten any easier matter of fact it's getting harder and I'm feeling more sad and that it's just awful it's really awful I want out.
  10. butch1977

    My Music

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    Happy Friday it's already and it's going to be September 11th soon September 11th the tragedy so the other day on Wednesday I was working on my album/EP and at one point I had a mini meltdown but I got it under control but it's pretty cool how my friend/ producer knows all he knows  about music s***  He has this software witn all kinds of music I don't know what it's called but samples of s*** like that you know what I mean but he knows and he gave me homework. Since I've been teaching myself the piano and that I don't play in time and he's said I should get a metronome app well I got a real metronome! Its way better than a electronic shit and you can see it. It's pretty cool and it has helped me with keeping time timing. When I do put out my  album out it's going to be at the top of the charts.
  11. butch1977

    Lonely

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    It's about 2:30 a.m. and I'm starting to feel sad. It's that really bad feeling. I feel really lonely right now. the loneliness is so awful it makes me want to just jump out of my skin but I can't and there's nowhere to go and there's nothing that  will make it stop. Ever since the disintegration getting dumped. Everything has been really tough besides my appendix rupturing and having to go to the hospital and have surgery last year but I feel so alone is it it's awful in my mind starts thinking all this crazy s*** is it sucks there's nothing worse than having meltdown at like 3 in the morning and you're all alone it sucks. I have this anxious feeling and it's kind of scaring me. It always happens late at night. My mind starts to think way too much and think about things that do nothing to help all it does is make me start to panic and it's hard. I've really been practicing on the keyboard and coming up with my own melodies and writing songs it's a new way of therapy. my friend is a musician and he's in a band and he is helping me to create some music and an album or e.p. he said a breakup album and a sad and bittersweet tale
  12. butch1977

    POSTER!

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    Yesterday I got something in the mail I wasn't sure of what it was because I hadn't ordered anything when I opened it it was a package from China and it was a Madonna poster it was its double sided. I've never seen a poster like it before. Wno is it from? I don't know how to say the name exactly but I don't know who sent me it but I like it it's great. So right now I'm going to take a bong rip and I've been feeling really emotional today more than usual and had multiple meltdowns. I hate it it's awful and I wish I could go back in time to about 3 years ago and there is some pivotal points where things would be different right now if something different had been done before it's just a really sad f*****-up situation if you've ever been railroaded and thrown under the bus you know what I'm talking about is it it's not deserved and it's an acceptable but it's still unacceptable budget that I need to accept it because it's a truth and I have no choice but I'm sad about it all.
  13. butch1977

    Too much

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So I really hate feeling sad it's been getting worse. I just feel so alone and unloved just like I don't even exist and I've always felt like that but now it's almost unbearable being alone and getting stoned is not fun anymore.  it's not I always end up pretty. it's just very difficult to fake out whats in my head. Even listening to music. I'm sure everyone has songs where they get will feel a little sad or feel  but all here this certain songs and I burst into f****** tears and it's happening like a lot and it's kind of scares me because it's it's just so awful.
     I just took a big old bong rip and real life it's not enough I need to like angel dust or something because I need the next level or something. I be im a deep depression like a really deep and it almost feels like it's like I'm doomed and right now my my foot hurts I think I might be getting a gout attack coming on and that hurts when you get that it starts in your life bending your toes and it's feeling this is like the get ready cuz it's going to really hurt and I already have enough on my plate and I lately just want to get all of
    So today in the mail I got this poster and it was a it's a Madonna poster and if a double sided but the thing is I did not order this and I didn't buy it and it came from China I don't I'm baffled by what where it came from because I didn't buy it and I don't think I want any kind of contest or some s*** like that. I'm just really sad.
  14. butch1977

    Xtina

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    Last last Friday my sister and I went to see xtina at the Hollywood Bowl. It was very cool she sounded amazing. There were some assholes in the crowd that were singing along and trying to sing with her it was annoying but xtina was great
    It was the first time we ever took a a park and ride. We went back to carsoj and we were both born in Torrance.
    At the end of the night to get back on the bus we had to walk through and between buses that were on it it was like a death trap it was pretty scary.
    There was this tunnel on the exit and the roof was maybe 6 feet tall end it was I wanted out it was very bad but xtina was great she had the whole Orchestra. And it was so good one thing I didn't understand was the Hollywood sign you see in the background from the Hollywood Bowl however the lights were not lighting it up so you can see it that's stupid why the f*** wasn't the Hollywood Sign lit up.
  15. butch1977

    The Cos!

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So right now, I'm trying to not feel so sad. I just took a huge bong rip. I'm so lonely.  I've been more emotional than usual.  It's really bad. One good thing is this Friday my sister and I are going to see Xtina at the Hollywood Bowl. She's gonna be with the Phil harmonic. It's gonna be awesome. Right now I'm blasting Bionic.
    So cancer is in full swing. Yesterday was Bill Cosby's birthday.  #isupportthecos He's been released from prison!  I never believed any of that crap. So I love the cos and I give zero fs. I always said #freethecos
  16. butch1977

    44

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So on June 24th I turned 44. I really hate birthdays they're awful right now it's like 12:30 in the morning and I'm feeling really lonely and really sad I can't I'm so sick of it. So I'm trying to keep my mind on other things so I decided I will work on this blog I don't know about that onlyfans s*** it's I have for the picture I put up a picture that was not something I do usually put up and it was at onlyfans crap so I'm going to put a picture of my ass on here it's not like I was doing something obscene and I gave zero F's so but I also have told personal stories that where could be shocking to some interesting to self but I've cuz I get all these messages from right cheek it's really dirty stuff and there's a price next to it that's pretty sad she has went down so far so fast she's asking me if I want to see her do these really vulgar things and she's calling me Daddy I'd rather watch the orphan when she goes daddy daddy so I really love the orphan I've been watching the orphan the past I like two weeks oh and on my only fans page you can go and watch the Orphan, hell house 2 the Abaddon Hotel, Victim and other good things 
  17. butch1977

    Onlyfans influencer

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So i just smoked a big fattie i rolled. I never had a problem smoking alone. The lonely feeling is just awful. I can't stand it. I can't handle getting even more sad. I created a onlyfans. Right cheek is on it and i wanted to like her and u could only do so if u had a profile lmao. It's sad cuz right cheek sends me all these nasty messages and they always have a price!! It's sad, i gave her a $3 tip and she said what was she gonna do with 3 dollars, i left this long ass comment on how 3 is a lucky number. I decided I'm going to be an influencer on only fans. Lmfao,
    I'm listening to Garbage, they had a new album come out, i got it on cd and green vinyl. I'm high as a kite.
  18. butch1977

    Forever Sad

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    Right now I'm blasting Hung Up, i just had a little meltdown. I just thought about Ian, I'm clearly not over him. We were best friends and now we don't even speak. Having a broken heart is unbearable. I would rather be at the dentist or in the hospital. It's worse than my nightmares, I'd rather have a night terror. Nightmares end when u wake up, you get to leave the hospital and the dentist.  The nighttime is worse the loneliness i feel is a the worst I've ever felt. I use to like being alone now i just want to hide . It's 4am and i just took a bong rip. I have some dank, so that's good. Last monday i finally had the surgery for my kidney stone problem. Coronavirus canceled it cuz it was supposed to be done in November. Thats like 6 ***CENSORED*** months ago. 
    The last 6 months I've felt the worst physical and mental pain ever. I'm not shitting you. 
    The disintegration of my "soul sister's' over 20 year friendship is really sad and disappointing. The fact that she's actually oblivious to what is going on is astounding to me. Im flabbergasted.  She just keeps putting her foot in her mouth and she's talking such unbelievable talk she's going right up her own asshole and I'm not going there. I didn't want to go on this ride. If anyone out there is feeling sad, i hope u feel better. You do matter.
  19. butch1977

    Stoned

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So I'm pretty stoned right now. I called discount dank this evening and i got some flower. I luv the lady who takes calls. She always calls me eugene 
  20. butch1977

    Still sad

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    My meds i take at night says that marijuana  can make u more drowsy. That's true. Writing messages takes so long, it is kind of like slow motion. I take these for my bipolar and ptsd. I've always been sad but the sad and lonely feeling i feel now is unreal, it's ***CENSORED*** unbearable. I should have known my happiness has the black cloud too. When ian and i were together, i was happy actually happy i was so happy and i had never had that feeling of true honest happiness. I didn't know i could feel that way. Losing that happiness  has left me truly brokenhearted and devastated.  I'm unable to move on. That is the honest truth. It feels worse than a nightmare cuz there is no waking up. It's real,  there is no escaping from it. The actual sick feeling. Its the awful feeling u have in nightmares but u wake up cuz its so upsetting.  Except now that horrible feeling is taking place now. I feel so lonely and unloved like a sad lonely pathetic ***CENSORED***. 
  21. butch1977

    PHONES SUCK

    By butch1977,


    Menk
    So my current phone, the galaxy s7 active is not working correctly I am using this galaxy s4. ***CENSORED*** att, 
    When this phone was acting up, something with the memory card always had errors.  Then since I'm not rich my current phone the galaxy s7 cost me a thousands of dollars. The morons at att, added a new number with a line of service that I had to pay. I needed a new phone, not a new number. The ONLY way to to fix this was to pay the full balance instead of payments. So I was now paying 65.00 more cuz this new number. U know att screwed up. From what I was told from one of the many customer service representatives there was no way to override this in their computer service. Yet there mobile site has been revamped multiple times.  Atts Facebook had blocked me! There is more but.  This small phone is giving me a headache. 
  22. butch1977

    Sad

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    I was uploading pictures and then i saw all these other old pictures. Now i feel like i wanna cry. I'm all alone. And im sad. Yeah now I'm crying i hate it. 😢😧
  23. butch1977

    Friends

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So I've been having a binge of highway to heaven.  I was a kid back in the 80s when it was on . IT was a great there always was a good message and it was a feel-good show today I feel really tainted I'm tired of feeling painted those so-called friends that pissed me off are oblivious. It's really frustrating to have your friends not even know that they really hurt your feelings it makes you feel really stupid like "friends what is a friend.
  24. butch1977

    TAINTED

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    Tomorrow i have another Dentist appointment.  I hate the dentist so much. My ptsd has been a real struggle. Since September  i have been really down. First i got dumped, then in October,  my appendix ruptured and I had to have surgery and i was in the hospital for a week and i had kidney stones.  The first 3 days i was only allowed to have ice chips! It sucked and the pain was unreal. Because of coronavirus no visitors were allowed.  When i got out of the hospital  i lost close to 20 pounds. When i got out of the hospital i was in lots of pain and i no longer had my dad bod that i had embraced. At Christmas time my supposed 2 best friends of over 20 years really disappointed me and hurt my feelings. During Christmas i had an awful toothache that made my face swell up and i looked like elephant man.  Things were tough and painful and instead of having support from my friends, my bestie kicked me when i was down and she knew what she said was not cool but she said it. I told my other best friend. Her husband, not even an hour later,  i told him that she really hurt my feelings  and i wanted to get that out and not let it fester.  He always  can be a mediator and think clear,  not this time. I heard nothing from him. He was so busy in his music studio and  only thinking of himself. *** i was a key worker in building the studio. Nobody ever asked me if I was able to do the job, and for free i might ad. But my bestie had already recruited me for the job. It would have been nice to have known that i was going to be needed EVERY day. One day i told my friend i wasn't feeling well and i couldn't help.  She said please just for a few hours. And me the idiot and good friend that i am went anyways. 
    I should have mentioned that  months prior to that i helped with the moving of two different houses for them and guess what I did that for free too. 
    So after i was dumped i booked a flight to oregon to try and save my relationship.  I asked my friend for a favor, if he could drive me to the airport.  He said NO!!  and he used the coronavirus as the reason he wasn't  able or allowed to give me the ride. So i didnt get to oregon. Firstly my bf was living with me and my family and circumstances were forcing him to leave. During that time, i had asked my bestie if he could stay the night just one night at their house because he had no place to go. My bestie had said  "no" he couldn't  she gave the excuse because they were in the process of moving that she couldn't allow it. Remember it was me who was helping with the moving. So i was disappointed and  me and my bf had to camp  at  one of the local parks. 
    Those are the only favors i have asked in 10 years.  That's the truth.   
    Ive been devastated from the breakup and i know he still loves me. So i sent him flowers,  then my bff, bestie. Soul sister, sent me a message, let me say. Christmas and new years both passed and i hadn't got any messages from her. So when i saw she sent me a message. When i read it, it started out like this....."I don't  mean to be rude, but if he broke up with you why are you sending him flowers "
    REALLY, REALLY  she didn't "mean to be rude" ***CENSORED*** you, that's bullshit. After everything  i had dealt with, and my dog had died  a few days after she said that.
    Since then she has spoke with my mom and instead of just owning the fact that she was being a straight up ***CENSORED*** and not supportive. She was explaining that she 'didn't want to see me get hurt anymore" that made me think of the time she said i needed to detox from my medication. I take it for my depression bipolar mental  issues. She made it sound like i was a drug addict. 
    So in my world, they no longer exist. 
    That was kinda like a rant.
  25. butch1977

    Beyond sad

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    My dog Rafael passed away unexpectedly.  I've have been in a deep depression. Tjis had made my already fragile state of mind into a nose dive. It's eeally difficult.  Being an empath on top of it.  Id rather be having a nightmare because nightmares aren't real and wake up. I so sad and lonely. Im so damn stoned 
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