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butch1977

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Blog Entries posted by butch1977

  1. butch1977

    Calm

    By butch1977,


    Life
    So I'm calling this blog calm. I've been feeling anything but calm lately. My emotions have been out of control, and i've been having this anxiety attacks. Valentines day sucked, I was dreading it before it even came. It's like im trying to do whatever I can to not let myself get sad. And no matter how hard i try and try it just feels like i'm in a hole and i can't get out of it. I've been putting together an epilogue to the 5 eps, There are 3 songs that just kind of happened when I was recording the demos, then there are autotune versions of the songs, When I did the first demos, i had an autotune feature on and I wasn't aware of it. Then on some demos I changed the words slightly and some of them are more emotional than the others. There's a bunch of Spanish demos too. This project and these songs isn't something that I'm going to want to bring them from the vault, they were all sang and each one needs and deserves a chance to be heard even if the quality is'nt the best. Sometimes I feel like i'm torturing myself when i hear them because hearing them can make me really sad. When you listen to a sad song that you wrote yourself, i never thought i'd have songs and this era of my life has been a real test. I am really trying my best to not get to negative. I'm still alive. I'm still alive.
  2. butch1977

    Kim Kardashian Hollywood App

    By butch1977,


    Kim Kardashian APP
    So I really dislike the kardashians I've always loved Kris Jenner but not the rest of them. However on the Kim Kardashian app, I've played it on and off for a few years and deleted it and then downloaded  again. Then deleted it a few more times. Since Christmas I've been really getting into it. My character got married and I'm on the A list currently. I had not completed tasks and I went to the c list. But I've been doing modeling gigs with kris jenner and she gives me points. Just today kim kardashian who always calls me bestie wanted me to find out the hottest fashions around the world. lmao. i've been on the D list the whole time before. It's hard to believe that i have a big mansion in Bel Air, one in Miami, and two condos one, in hollywood and the other in downtown los angeles, but the Mansion in Bel Air and Miami have no furniture or anything. That costs K coins and K coins are given specially. Unless you pay real money to get the Kcoins. On the game I currently have $31844
     
    *new idea
    So I just had to make a note of that and do it. I'm think I want to start doing my live streams on youtube. I want to get into the app and how ridiculous it is and all that i do on it. I don't want to do crying live streams lol 
    Last night I was laying down and then some negative thoughts came into my mind and i started getting sad and I didn't want to let it get out of control so I went onto my facebook page for sonic pressure and i went live. when I go live i don't feel like i'm completely alone it's like an invisible friend. sometimes i don't even have anything to say or I babble about all kinds of shit. Well last night, i was pretty stoned and passed out and fell asleep and my phone continued to stream live for over 4 hours till the battery died. So that sleeping live video isn't very exciting and it's kinda boring, so i'm gonna chat about the kim kardashian app and the kim kardashian trashcan.
  3. butch1977

    Ticketmaster sux

    By butch1977,


    tickets
    So I've met a new friend. He's a nice guy. He is a cancer like I am. I've never went out with another cancer before. We hung out and I showed him my Madonna records. He was wowed by the Like a Prayer record and that it smells of pachouli. I might have misspelled that. So I was driving over to visit my friend and I stopped for gas. I wasn't shocked when the machine said 'card declined' I'm glad I had some cash and could put some gas in.  
    But anyways I mentioned how much ticketmaster sux, well if they would have had the buy now pay later feature working than I wouldn't have had this happen. My ticket with all the fees was over $230 and it's not alot to some people. But hey i'm going to see madonna, so who cares. lmao, I saw a ticket in my section being sold for over 600 and tickets with obstructed side views for 125, I had obstructed views for MDNA they were practically behind the stage they were awful. So I will be going alone, and i would rather not but i'm still going. 
  4. butch1977

    Celebration Tour

    By butch1977,


    music
    First I'm gonna say the last tour for Madame X,  I'm a legacy member and I got 2 tickets and I got them for 55 bucks. On Wednesday I heard about the tour and that the pre-sale was already happening.  So I went to check them out. I was only allowed one ticket, if I selected 2  it said I had to change it because tickets aren't available. So I wasn't excited about that. I'm not rich so I was going to use the option to buy now pay later. Well that offer was no longer being showed so I selected PayPal to continue because I've used that option on PayPal. Well when I clicked it that purchased the ticket. The tickets started at 120 for nosebleed seats, the ticket I got was almost 200 bucks and it's a nosebleed seat as well.  So I'm confused on why the tickets for the intimate theater tour were cheaper and I was able to get two. So the big arena tour costs way more and only let me get one ticket. I've seen madonna alone before so I'm aware I would still have fun. But who's gonna share the excitement on the drive to and from the venue, who is gonna share the excitement of the upcoming tour, just me. 230 bucks may not be alot of money but I have 5 cats to feed and the pay later would have been nice. But Ticketmaster has been ***CENSORED*** people in the ass for years so I shouldn't be surprised.  Does madonna realize that announcing a tour and pre-sales beginning that same day with no advance notice gives us poor people 0 time to plan or save money. Lots of people live paycheck to paycheck and not everyone has big savings. So I will say this. My excitement for this tour is lukewarm.
  6. butch1977

    New Year New Me

    By butch1977,


    music
    So It's a new year and it doesn't really feel like a new me. On New Years Eve, my 5th EP Unhappy was released. I finished the project. It was quite an experience. The Happy Hokey EP and Unhappy EP were considered albums. They both had more than 5 songs on them and I think that has something to do with it. There were about 4 new songs that were added to Unhappy but they weren't technically added to Unhappy, There is gonna be a 6th EP. It will most likely be like the epilogue to the story. I also want to release the sad demos of Friends and Love Is. Both of these alternate versions have added lines that weren't used in the other versions and it gives them this really sad truth that the album versions don't have. The sad demo of Love Is, is sang in a way that flows in a more emotional sound, also I recorded it after having some kind of crying episode so it's very raw, it's beautifully sad. It's pretty deep and the 'yes dad' sounds sad yet sweet.
  7. butch1977

    Amnesia

    By butch1977,


    Life
    I really wish I could have amnesia. Becuase if I did I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be up at 3:30 am on using the kim kardashian hollywood app. I first downloaded that years ago. It's like grinder i've deleted it then downloaded it again. i never really got into the game much but the last few weeks, I've been getting really sad and at night it gets pretty sad. I'd much rather be on the kardashian app at 330 then talking to some asshole on grinder because i'm lonely. Anyways on the app, i just got married. One of the games was to go on a date with one of the characters. So I went on dates with Jacob Smith and the way the characters talk to each other it's really hokey but i think its cool. it always has the option on the date to continue the date or to break up. But i would always accept him calling. Yesterday the option came up to propose, and i chose to propose and then got married. Now whenever my character goes to one of my homes in hollywood or downtown la, whenever i go into the downtown la condo not only is my cat and fish in there but Jacob is in there and he tells me how he loves me. Then in my hollywood condo my dog will be there and Jacob is there also and he always tells me he loves me. I wish I could have amnesia or turn my life into the app and have someone tell me how much they love me. Yesterday when i read it and it said your husband, i first got this sad feeling and i keep the sad feelings away but they are always there. If I had amnesia then there would be no memories that are going to make life painful, i could make all new ones. Being haunted by good memories is something I never thought I would believe but when sabotage comes into the universe. Things are turned upside down and you just have to hold onto whatever you can because you have no control over anything 
  8. butch1977

    A Cold Lonely Night

    By butch1977,


    Life
    Christmas has only gotten sadder as I've gotten older. I've become quite the Scrooge. The last five years of my life have been pretty chaotic. During this time something happened that turned things around and I was celebrating christmas. i was in love and I was actually happy. I miss that feeling. What is difficult is dealing with the aftermath that has been left from my brother. I would have not gotten dumped by email if my brother wouldn't have sabotaged things. I'm not just making up stories or trying to blame others without merit. My brother deliberately made up lies and created drama in the family. He's been doing it all his life. He wore a bug for the cops and his wife and all her family went to prison, not him. When I was a teenager, he was found beaten up and thrown in a dumpster. Why did that happen, well my other brother said 'he dropped the dime' So that gives you an idea of his character. I've always tried to help him with anything I could. There was even a time I was writing letters to judges about having his kids come live with my family because his parental rights have all been terminated. I went out of my way to help him. It was soon after my first plane flight to oregon and when we drove back. (my song FOTC tells the story) But it was when I got home he told me that i was 'on the chopping block' I didn't know what he was talking about but in the coming months with his constant pot stirring he created this awful oppressive and negative energy the atmosphere was the worst. What is the most fucked up thing was he was doing this to me on purpose, he was telling straight out lies and talking shit on me and I've never done anything to him. He's stole from everyone in my family. So . Will finish later
  10. butch1977

    Erotica 30

    By butch1977,


    music
    So while the site was loading I was just looking at the image for the Erotica album, I always loved the font for Erotica I still remember anticipating to buy the tape. I can't believe that it's been 30 years. I was in high school and I remember that the parental advisory wasn't on all copies of the album. The tapes didn't include Did You Do It? I also remember being worried about my mom's opinion because. My mom didn't approve of the Open Your Heart video so my mom wasn't ready for Dita. Over the years my mom came to respect her more. But during the Rebel Heart tour,  Madonna made some statement about the pope and the dancing for the holy water performance. My mom let it be known that she didn't approve of her actions. I just remember thinking it was funny. When Erotica came out I was 14 going on 15. Now here I am at forty five and i am a recording artist verified by spotify. I've always been an artist but not of the musician type. I didn't know that i had this music in my soul I don't think i would have found it if I didn't go through heartbreak. I think it would have stayed dormant in some way. Singing in front of others was something I was unable to do. It was not in my comfort zone.
     
    So it's bizarre to me that currently on Reverbnation i'm on a playlist for most played songs in l.a. the song that was eligible for this playlist was a demo called 'Love is (sad demo) The finished track is on my EP Happy Hokey, but the demo i recorded by myself playing the piano melody from my phone and recording myself singing the song, in the recording, my voice sounds all nasal because I had cried before I recorded it. The demo is sang the same way but i added words that weren't in the written lyrics and it makes it even more sad. It is my most played song on my profile too. 
     
  11. butch1977

    Music

    By butch1977,


    music
    it's after 4  am . I'm trying to not let my mind think about what I don't want it to. It worries me. I've been having this really negative feeling it. It seems like a new kind of low 
  12. butch1977

    Gooning

    By butch1977,


    gooning
    lSo I went on Grindr and saw or spoke to at least five guys who did not have any idea of what gooning out is or Goon, bator, gooner and I had to explain it to them but just a minute ago I see a notification come up on my phone and it's from scruff and I could see what the message says and it says 'come pick me up' one time I asked him if he knew what gooning was and he didn't know and he said he was fine and okay with not knowing it and gooning out is very serious. Let me see there are many terms that are not the actual correct definition of gooning and there's all different levels of gooning so gooning out Goon to goon, okay wait a minute okay the definition for gooning is

    'Gooning maybe most simply defined as that state usually achieved after a prolonged edging session when a man becomes completely hypnotized by the feeling radiating his p*nis since a gooning state can only be achieved after edging the man's d*ck will have become mightily aroused at this point and every caress the male genitals are subjected to will trigger potent elation as the man keeps edging and thus keeps experiencing intense pleasure he enters a State of Trance where his mind intimately merges with his c*ck and the gooning state where he and his d*ck become one to be more accurate when the gooning state is achieved the man's body becomes for all purpose and intent is p*nis that was the definition of the correct term for gooning.
     So on my only fans page it says I was pondering the idea of making a gooning video to goon or not to goon that is the question and there is a site called bateWorld. There is a brotherhood. So well thats all happy sunday
  13. butch1977

    Gooning Out

    By butch1977,


    Music
    I am astounded with the amount of guys who don't know what gooning is. There are other terms and definitions but some aren't necessarily true. Well gooning out is would be under the umbrella of m********ion. So I'm not going get into details because it is explicit but if u are a detective you can find my demonstration video 'What is gooning, pt. 1-5' at bateworld .com lmao. I wonder if anyone will read this and do some Sherlock Holmes shit. I probably share way too much personal information on my social media. But that's how I roll and keep it real. Like right now I'm feeling so lonely I hate it, it's just really sad. Today I chose the order for the songs on 'Happy Hokey'  this is the 4th EP in the set of 5. There are seven songs. I write all the lyrics. The melodies are from my head. The songs, 'the real young man' 'little' 'my Spanish Stuff ' those songs I wrote them but my friend producer composed the music. When we're in the studio we start with the piano melody and he does all the mixing, the way to explain it is I'm explaining what the sound should sound like. And we build from there.
  14. butch1977
    I said I didn't want to cry tonight, I still haven't but my song 'my Spanish Stuff came on and I'm feeling sad, now silver springs is on and I feel so unhappy and sad. Ever since the gaslighting letter I received,  I've had these sad feelings grow into a crying panic. When I had coronavirus it got much needed sleep . I didn't have any of the panic attacks that were scary. But I've started feeling sadder as the days go by. I hate Christmas time, it is always a sad time for me. I turn into scrooge and I even say ***CENSORED*** Christmas. Ok I'm about to cry so I'm stopping. This Sunday my song Hesperia Lake drops! 
    12:05 am update
    I haven't cried so that's good but I've been close to it many times. I'm trying to stay calm. I'm going to take a shower. 
  15. butch1977

    Reverbnation.com

    By butch1977,


    Music
    So I'm really focusing into my music.  Because if I don't get control of this sadness. I'm in trouble 
     
    Check Out Sonic Pressure on ReverbNation! - http://www.reverbnation.com/open_graph/artist/6953546
  20. butch1977

    Remixes

    By butch1977,


    Music
    So I have no idea who Tokisha is and I really don't have any desire to know who she is. The little that I heard from the Hung Up remix was dreadful. Madonna has always had the best remixes so this is disappointing. The amount of fans who are turning their back on Madonna seems to be rising. It's pretty sad.
  21. butch1977

    Real Brown Eyes

    By butch1977,


    Music
    So today my new single Real Brown Eyes dropped its the first song from my 2nd EP 'Just Luv' 
    Since I never planned on being a singer or singing songs. The title of this got lost in the recording process. These songs all were a labor of love and they were poems and sonnets for the man I was in love with. I wrote approximately 4 Shakespearean sonnets using the format and rhyme sceme.
    On my first EP 'FEEDER' there was a song called, 'Young Man, Brown Eyes/Animal fries. The version on Feeder has some issues, that should have been titled 'Young Man' also the song is a Shakespearean sonnet but the cut on the EP has some errors, the. In a Shakespearean sonnet the final 2 lines are to be a couplet, my producer accidentally left out the first line of the Couplet in the mixing process.  
    The original couplet is:
    I wish things didn't go bad.
    Now I'm alone and so sad.
    So it's gonna be a single by itself and will be titled 'The Real Young Man' which will be the correct version and will truly be in the Shakespearean sonnet format. Because as it is now, i still say the words, 'this is a 'Shakespearean sonnet' at the end. But with that version. It isn't truly a Shakespearean sonnet.  So i feel like a schmuck because if people listen to it then say, that's not a Shakespearean sonnet, they are correct. But the appropriate version will come out. That is why this new song is called 'Real Brown Eyes' because the mixup with the sonnets. So now that I've said that and cleared that up and blogged about it then i don't look like a dumbass!
  22. butch1977

    Just Luv EP

    By butch1977,


    music
    Well I just finished the Just Luv EP. It is the 2nd ed from the set of 5. It is going to drop on September 11, the first single to be released is Real Brown Eyes. Real Brown Eyes was written in the Shakespearean sonnet format. There are a total of 5 songs. These songs are all about love, as the Feeder EP was about food this is all love songs. Real Brown Eyes is about the same guy who loves Hotdogs.
  24. butch1977

    Calm Down

    By butch1977,


    Vocals
    I'm having a meltdown and I'm trying to calm myself down. I've been really sad all day and do people really over sensitive and had more than one crying episode today and they're happening over and over like back-to-back I can't handle it. I am having anxiety and panic attacks like never before.I've had panic or anxiety attacks since I was a kid but this is scaring me. My sadness and depression is at an all-time high and I think of being an empath make it hard. I'm doing my best to keep busy I've even started learning to play the ukulele and I did the vocals for another song the other day and it was in an actual recording booth and if it's a song that I was in singing is a sad song I wrote it to and came up with a melody but it was a lot different then I'm at the songs did lot different than hot dogs and recording this song as of Ben Waymart that was the scene of it is what was difficult because I'm not a singer I am an artist. It seems like every everyday I'm really like fighting to not be sad to not get sad and it's a losing battle and when it gets night time it gets even worse. It gets awful and the loneliness is almost unbearable.  I'm so unhappy,  I actually have a song that's available on itunes and i hate itunes.  I believe Hotdogs could be a hit. But there's a black cloud that is always close by. The song i was laying vocals for is called Alone and i wrote the lyrics and its a melody i came up with. But it's a sad song. Ive been collaborating with a cool producer named Erric and he even remastered Hotdogs,  The sad song was not easy to sing and nervous laughing isnt sad. I had to feel that sadness  and get sad . It was difficult,  my voice cracked . The producer said 'damn that made me sad'  he said I did well. He said he knew i could do it when i was having doubts. It was intense. 
    My panic meltdown has calmed down  so I'm thankful for that. 
    Have a good weekend everyone. 
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