butch1977

I really wish I could have amnesia. Becuase if I did I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be up at 3:30 am on using the kim kardashian hollywood app. I first downloaded that years ago. It's like grinder i've deleted it then downloaded it again. i never really got into the game much but the last few weeks, I've been getting really sad and at night it gets pretty sad. I'd much rather be on the kardashian app at 330 then talking to some asshole on grinder because i'm lonely. Anyways on the app, i just got married. One of the games was to go on a date with one of the characters. So I went on dates with Jacob Smith and the way the characters talk to each other it's really hokey but i think its cool. it always has the option on the date to continue the date or to break up. But i would always accept him calling. Yesterday the option came up to propose, and i chose to propose and then got married. Now whenever my character goes to one of my homes in hollywood or downtown la, whenever i go into the downtown la condo not only is my cat and fish in there but Jacob is in there and he tells me how he loves me. Then in my hollywood condo my dog will be there and Jacob is there also and he always tells me he loves me. I wish I could have amnesia or turn my life into the app and have someone tell me how much they love me. Yesterday when i read it and it said your husband, i first got this sad feeling and i keep the sad feelings away but they are always there. If I had amnesia then there would be no memories that are going to make life painful, i could make all new ones. Being haunted by good memories is something I never thought I would believe but when sabotage comes into the universe. Things are turned upside down and you just have to hold onto whatever you can because you have no control over anything

Christmas has only gotten sadder as I've gotten older. I've become quite the Scrooge. The last five years of my life have been pretty chaotic. During this time something happened that turned things around and I was celebrating christmas. i was in love and I was actually happy. I miss that feeling. What is difficult is dealing with the aftermath that has been left from my brother. I would have not gotten dumped by email if my brother wouldn't have sabotaged things. I'm not just making up stories or trying to blame others without merit. My brother deliberately made up lies and created drama in the family. He's been doing it all his life. He wore a bug for the cops and his wife and all her family went to prison, not him. When I was a teenager, he was found beaten up and thrown in a dumpster. Why did that happen, well my other brother said 'he dropped the dime' So that gives you an idea of his character. I've always tried to help him with anything I could. There was even a time I was writing letters to judges about having his kids come live with my family because his parental rights have all been terminated. I went out of my way to help him. It was soon after my first plane flight to oregon and when we drove back. (my song FOTC tells the story) But it was when I got home he told me that i was 'on the chopping block' I didn't know what he was talking about but in the coming months with his constant pot stirring he created this awful oppressive and negative energy the atmosphere was the worst. What is the most fucked up thing was he was doing this to me on purpose, he was telling straight out lies and talking shit on me and I've never done anything to him. He's stole from everyone in my family. So . Will finish later

catatonia is a place that is scary

I think it would be neat!

So while the site was loading I was just looking at the image for the Erotica album, I always loved the font for Erotica I still remember anticipating to buy the tape. I can't believe that it's been 30 years. I was in high school and I remember that the parental advisory wasn't on all copies of the album. The tapes didn't include Did You Do It? I also remember being worried about my mom's opinion because. My mom didn't approve of the Open Your Heart video so my mom wasn't ready for Dita. Over the years my mom came to respect her more. But during the Rebel Heart tour, Madonna made some statement about the pope and the dancing for the holy water performance. My mom let it be known that she didn't approve of her actions. I just remember thinking it was funny. When Erotica came out I was 14 going on 15. Now here I am at forty five and i am a recording artist verified by spotify. I've always been an artist but not of the musician type. I didn't know that i had this music in my soul I don't think i would have found it if I didn't go through heartbreak. I think it would have stayed dormant in some way. Singing in front of others was something I was unable to do. It was not in my comfort zone. So it's bizarre to me that currently on Reverbnation i'm on a playlist for most played songs in l.a. the song that was eligible for this playlist was a demo called 'Love is (sad demo) The finished track is on my EP Happy Hokey, but the demo i recorded by myself playing the piano melody from my phone and recording myself singing the song, in the recording, my voice sounds all nasal because I had cried before I recorded it. The demo is sang the same way but i added words that weren't in the written lyrics and it makes it even more sad. It is my most played song on my profile too.

it's after 4 am . I'm trying to not let my mind think about what I don't want it to. It worries me. I've been having this really negative feeling it. It seems like a new kind of low

lSo I went on Grindr and saw or spoke to at least five guys who did not have any idea of what gooning out is or Goon, bator, gooner and I had to explain it to them but just a minute ago I see a notification come up on my phone and it's from scruff and I could see what the message says and it says 'come pick me up' one time I asked him if he knew what gooning was and he didn't know and he said he was fine and okay with not knowing it and gooning out is very serious. Let me see there are many terms that are not the actual correct definition of gooning and there's all different levels of gooning so gooning out Goon to goon, okay wait a minute okay the definition for gooning is 'Gooning maybe most simply defined as that state usually achieved after a prolonged edging session when a man becomes completely hypnotized by the feeling radiating his p*nis since a gooning state can only be achieved after edging the man's d*ck will have become mightily aroused at this point and every caress the male genitals are subjected to will trigger potent elation as the man keeps edging and thus keeps experiencing intense pleasure he enters a State of Trance where his mind intimately merges with his c*ck and the gooning state where he and his d*ck become one to be more accurate when the gooning state is achieved the man's body becomes for all purpose and intent is p*nis that was the definition of the correct term for gooning. So on my only fans page it says I was pondering the idea of making a gooning video to goon or not to goon that is the question and there is a site called bateWorld. There is a brotherhood. So well thats all happy sunday

I am astounded with the amount of guys who don't know what gooning is. There are other terms and definitions but some aren't necessarily true. Well gooning out is would be under the umbrella of m********ion. So I'm not going get into details because it is explicit but if u are a detective you can find my demonstration video 'What is gooning, pt. 1-5' at bateworld .com lmao. I wonder if anyone will read this and do some Sherlock Holmes shit. I probably share way too much personal information on my social media. But that's how I roll and keep it real. Like right now I'm feeling so lonely I hate it, it's just really sad. Today I chose the order for the songs on 'Happy Hokey' this is the 4th EP in the set of 5. There are seven songs. I write all the lyrics. The melodies are from my head. The songs, 'the real young man' 'little' 'my Spanish Stuff ' those songs I wrote them but my friend producer composed the music. When we're in the studio we start with the piano melody and he does all the mixing, the way to explain it is I'm explaining what the sound should sound like. And we build from there.

I said I didn't want to cry tonight, I still haven't but my song 'my Spanish Stuff came on and I'm feeling sad, now silver springs is on and I feel so unhappy and sad. Ever since the gaslighting letter I received, I've had these sad feelings grow into a crying panic. When I had coronavirus it got much needed sleep . I didn't have any of the panic attacks that were scary. But I've started feeling sadder as the days go by. I hate Christmas time, it is always a sad time for me. I turn into scrooge and I even say ***CENSORED*** Christmas. Ok I'm about to cry so I'm stopping. This Sunday my song Hesperia Lake drops! 12:05 am update I haven't cried so that's good but I've been close to it many times. I'm trying to stay calm. I'm going to take a shower.