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butch1977

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  1. butch1977

    Brittany Murphy

    By butch1977,

    When I turned on my computer I saw that Brittany Murphy's funeral is on Christmas Eve. I've never been a huge fan of hers, however she was in Clueless and I am a huge Alicia fan so you feel me. I know there is all this talk about overdose and all that jazz. It's just a sad story, She was only 32, the same age as me. It is just strange when someone dies that is as old as me. I do say that 1977 was a year when some BOMB people were born. So may she rest in Peace.
     
     

  2. butch1977
    so here I am its 1:34 a.m. 
    Lockdown in California
    All of this crazy shit in the world. The panic and hysteria is not getting better. It's getting worse 
    I was already sad and it's hard dealing with bipolar and my.ptsd. I've been having nightmares every night when i do get sleep.
    Gotta run, 
     
    Cont.
  3. butch1977

    Calm

    By butch1977,


    Life
    So I'm calling this blog calm. I've been feeling anything but calm lately. My emotions have been out of control, and i've been having this anxiety attacks. Valentines day sucked, I was dreading it before it even came. It's like im trying to do whatever I can to not let myself get sad. And no matter how hard i try and try it just feels like i'm in a hole and i can't get out of it. I've been putting together an epilogue to the 5 eps, There are 3 songs that just kind of happened when I was recording the demos, then there are autotune versions of the songs, When I did the first demos, i had an autotune feature on and I wasn't aware of it. Then on some demos I changed the words slightly and some of them are more emotional than the others. There's a bunch of Spanish demos too. This project and these songs isn't something that I'm going to want to bring them from the vault, they were all sang and each one needs and deserves a chance to be heard even if the quality is'nt the best. Sometimes I feel like i'm torturing myself when i hear them because hearing them can make me really sad. When you listen to a sad song that you wrote yourself, i never thought i'd have songs and this era of my life has been a real test. I am really trying my best to not get to negative. I'm still alive. I'm still alive.
  4. butch1977

    Calm Down

    By butch1977,


    Vocals
    I'm having a meltdown and I'm trying to calm myself down. I've been really sad all day and do people really over sensitive and had more than one crying episode today and they're happening over and over like back-to-back I can't handle it. I am having anxiety and panic attacks like never before.I've had panic or anxiety attacks since I was a kid but this is scaring me. My sadness and depression is at an all-time high and I think of being an empath make it hard. I'm doing my best to keep busy I've even started learning to play the ukulele and I did the vocals for another song the other day and it was in an actual recording booth and if it's a song that I was in singing is a sad song I wrote it to and came up with a melody but it was a lot different then I'm at the songs did lot different than hot dogs and recording this song as of Ben Waymart that was the scene of it is what was difficult because I'm not a singer I am an artist. It seems like every everyday I'm really like fighting to not be sad to not get sad and it's a losing battle and when it gets night time it gets even worse. It gets awful and the loneliness is almost unbearable.  I'm so unhappy,  I actually have a song that's available on itunes and i hate itunes.  I believe Hotdogs could be a hit. But there's a black cloud that is always close by. The song i was laying vocals for is called Alone and i wrote the lyrics and its a melody i came up with. But it's a sad song. Ive been collaborating with a cool producer named Erric and he even remastered Hotdogs,  The sad song was not easy to sing and nervous laughing isnt sad. I had to feel that sadness  and get sad . It was difficult,  my voice cracked . The producer said 'damn that made me sad'  he said I did well. He said he knew i could do it when i was having doubts. It was intense. 
    My panic meltdown has calmed down  so I'm thankful for that. 
    Have a good weekend everyone. 
  5. butch1977

    Catatonia

    By butch1977,

    So I've been really feeling sad, Sadder than the usual, I miss my husband. 
    I always have had nightmares and i just recently discovered that my bad dreams are night terrors. I hate it, I have this recurring nightmare that I'm on a sinking ship.
    Ever since I got back from Oregon I've really been sad.
  7. butch1977

    Celebration Tour

    By butch1977,


    Celebration Tour
    So I'm happy to say that I got tickets for March 4th at the Forum. I don't know how it worked for everyone else out there, but the email from Ticketmaster came the night before the presale was gonna start, then there was an email that said to disregard previous email. About the same time I get an email saying the refund was going to be happening soon. So i was checking emails and my bank. 
    When the email did come with the instructions for the presale It said we would be able to purchase up to 4 tickets. So I set an alarm for 9 am I titled it Madonna Madonna Madonna, So when I was in the virtual que in the morning, I was ready and expecting it to crash, freeze, blowup and not work. I'm watching as it says I'm in the que and there were 50 people ahead of me, I'm remaining calm and hoping everything would work. Then it says I was next, so I was able to get two tickets in the upper level in Row one in and it's view is facing the front stage in the middle. These seat was better than my previous. It was around the same price. I was able to use the 4 payment plan for the tickets. 
    So since all this happened at the last moment, my previous blog said I was planning to take my producer's daughter and 'soul sister's daughter.  for her birthday. Well I sent her a text and I said I got her a ticket to the Celebration Tour! I was pretty excited and so relieved it worked out smoothly. Maybe 10 minutes later I get a text message from my 'soul sister/bff' it read
     
    "Hey that's nice you're inviting K***** to go to see Madonna but I haven't talked to you in months and you need to ask me first before she can just go down the hill to a concert. Thanks anyway"
     
    EXCUSE ME? I was very insulted by the tone of this and instead of going off, I remained calm and kept it real and told the truth. In my response I said, that I hadn't planned this out and the information wasn't given out about the new date until the day the before. And to prove it I added my blog 'Not Deja Vu' on madonna.com where I am talking about getting another ticket at taking her. I don't know if she actually went to it and read it. I haven't heard from my producer, and he would probably not remember but he had said it but, since I took him, his brother and his wife to see Madonna on different tours that his daughter should go. well like I said before, when i give my word I keep it and I don't break promises or get amnesia and forget about things. After that message I went on Twitch and livestreamed for 2 hours talking about this matter. It's pretty sad that these people who were my best friends are gaslighting extroardinares. So my producer deletes all my music and leaves me in the dust and my bff text message is beyond passive aggressive. I'm sorry I wanted to do something nice for your daughter. And a kicker to this story is I have a scar on my right hand from punching the dangerous ex bf who had assaulted me the ***CENSORED*** that drugged and raped me, he called her a ***CENSORED*** ***CENSORED*** and I punched him. I took her to see Confessions on opening night! She sent another message after that but I didn't read it. 
    I really am taken aback with her response i would be lying if I said it didn't hurt my feelings.
  8. butch1977

    Celebration Tour

    By butch1977,


    Madonna
    So l just read the news about the new dates scheduled. I'm a little confused about what is going on now. It's making my head hurt, so dates are rescheduled and they are gonna refund the ticket and then I have the opportunity to purchase it again. Huh? I'm sorry but ticketmaster and the links or whatever they are going to be giving out just sounds like it's gonna be a shitshow, it's a known fact that ticketmaster and all the secure, verified codes always have a problem. So even if we already had a ticket it's getting refunded and we have have to do it again. And ticketmaster is going to 'make sure we will get a seat that will be like what our previous ticket was. This is some bullshit, When I got that ticket, ticketmaster was having issues. It would only let me purchase one ticket and then it said you had the option to pay later, but that didn't work. So I don't know about this. I saw some people on IG were not happy with what was going on. I was thinking, the tickets were being honored but this getting refunded and then having a 'chance' to purchase a ticket again. 
    Personally with this news, I think Madonna should cancel this tour and focus on her health. I think it's too soon for her to go on a world tour when she was in the hospital in June. She needs to focus on her healing and when she's had rest she should come with a whole new set of dates. I think it would be best to start fresh. So everything will be fresh.
  9. butch1977

    Celebration Tour

    By butch1977,


    Celebration Tour
    So I was curious so I looked at ticketmaster. There is an la show on October 1, that isn't sold out. So I took a look. They are selling seats with a side view and practically behind the stage for over 160! That's ridiculous. Then there seats without an obstructed view but they are in the very back, and those are going for over $200 That's some crazy shit. I got tickets for Mdna at stubhub and the tickets were for seats that I don't even think should be sold, we were practically behind the stage. I could see the crew doing there job. I don't know why but after every concert I've ever been to, your ears are always feeling the sound after the show. but that time, my ears could still here everything fine, but I felt more like and the vibrations it was the worst seats ever. But I know they will be bought because some people just want to go and see her, not everyone needs to have a vip ticket and be next to the stage they just want to be there. So i hope everyone who ends up getting those bad seats, doesn't have an awful view.
  10. butch1977

    Celebration Tour

    By butch1977,


    music
    First I'm gonna say the last tour for Madame X,  I'm a legacy member and I got 2 tickets and I got them for 55 bucks. On Wednesday I heard about the tour and that the pre-sale was already happening.  So I went to check them out. I was only allowed one ticket, if I selected 2  it said I had to change it because tickets aren't available. So I wasn't excited about that. I'm not rich so I was going to use the option to buy now pay later. Well that offer was no longer being showed so I selected PayPal to continue because I've used that option on PayPal. Well when I clicked it that purchased the ticket. The tickets started at 120 for nosebleed seats, the ticket I got was almost 200 bucks and it's a nosebleed seat as well.  So I'm confused on why the tickets for the intimate theater tour were cheaper and I was able to get two. So the big arena tour costs way more and only let me get one ticket. I've seen madonna alone before so I'm aware I would still have fun. But who's gonna share the excitement on the drive to and from the venue, who is gonna share the excitement of the upcoming tour, just me. 230 bucks may not be alot of money but I have 5 cats to feed and the pay later would have been nice. But Ticketmaster has been ***CENSORED*** people in the ass for years so I shouldn't be surprised.  Does madonna realize that announcing a tour and pre-sales beginning that same day with no advance notice gives us poor people 0 time to plan or save money. Lots of people live paycheck to paycheck and not everyone has big savings. So I will say this. My excitement for this tour is lukewarm.
  11. butch1977
    So I'm blasting Medicine by Jennylo and the whole world is gone awry with this coronavirus bull. The panic buying and paranoia going on is out of control. I've never seen or experienced this kind of behavior. So I'm going to take some bong rips and listen to medicine again. 
    Everyone wash all your food off.
  12. butch1977
    It is now required by law that everyone in California has to wear a fasce mask.  There is a $1000 fine!
    We are on lockdown.  Jesus take the wheel. Or find me a time machine  and take me back to 1987.
  13. butch1977
    I recently saw a post on facebook and I read alot of comments where people were saying that they didn't like Rebel Heart, I think that over time people are will change their opinion, I myself always enjoyed the album, the only problem I have that 'addicted' is on the 'super deluxe' version that's one of my favorite songs from the album. The only track that is pointless is Holy Water in my opinion. I always skip it, it's trying way too hard and it makes me roll my eyes. ***CENSORED*** I'm Madonna grew on me. One song that is so good with headphones on is S.E.X. I didn't realize how much I liked the song till later and the final moments of the song and it ending with the door slamming is brilliant! 
  15. butch1977

    Dear Madonna

    By butch1977,


    Madonna
    My Dearest Madonna, first and foremost I hope u are feeling good. You need to heal and get healthy. Postpone, the tour. Your real fans want to see u well. If u have to cancel the tour. I will still be a fan. You are the Queen!
  16. butch1977

    Difficult 2 Navigate

    By butch1977,

    Warning this might be hard to follow.
     
    So yeah, i finally figured out how to post a new blog entry. Am i the only one has a hard time finding out how icon works now. There is way 2 many steps. I mean really I thought Dishnetwork was not user friendly. I've been trying to change my username and it says it's been changed but it doesn't change. The Madonna app that is wack and I've actually tweeted madonna and guy oseary to #fixtheapp
    When I post something it doesn't show up and when i leave a comment it force closes and crashes. I even uninstalled it and downloaded it again. Cuz imma be real with u. I've been all into #unaplogeticbitch and it's like i can't express how much i love madonna and how excited and all the other things that u can share on social media. The users of the app that are able to post pictures and comments, the pics they upload the same reductive sh*t. Really. A really poor quality picture that isn't even clear. Really. Really The Queen of Pop is going to have an app but's not working correctly and i've sent dozens of reports to the sender when it crashes. This is the One and Only Madonna.Then I have these amazeballs creations and pictures and ideas and all stuff mdna related and the app crashes and I can't show my luv. Really Not a good look. I don't think it's acceptable. Also with all these leaks of unreleased photos and music that is out. First off I've been buying Madonna music since I was 10 years old and I bought the True Blue cassette. Also, I've never listened to leaks. I always wait until the day the album is released and buy it. Yes buy it. Since Like a Prayer i've always waited with such anticipation and excitement. I've been an Icon Member before it was free to register. So yeah I use to pay the annual fee to be in the exclusive Icon. I guess I'll call it Old School. I'm never thinking she needs to put something out right now. These fans these days are like New music new music new music, it's taking her so long. Really, I'm the real deal, not a novice fan. I'm a #diehardmdnafan I will not listen to it until the day that Madonna gives us some sonic sounds to luv.
    I just realized, this is almost like a rant! Not exactly a rant, but alot of shittalking going on. but hey. I keep it real.
    the new album. I'm so excited. It's sad that Icon has become a ghosttown. I think interscope sux, In all the years of me buying mdna merchandise i never had a botched and defective disc, not once but twice. Then the order was cancelled by amazon. WTF So yeah, I think the staff needs a serious meeting. This is Madonna and I don't think she'd be happy knowing that people who actually buy stuff are getting screwed. So yeah interscope sux
     
    It might sound like i'm an unapologetic ***CENSORED***
    But sometime you know I gotta call it like it is
     
    sonic pressure
  17. butch1977

    Dr. Stella!

    By butch1977,

    https://www.instagram.com/p/CDSY970lOWi/?igshid=yd9htnykq577
     
    Well i haven't been on lately. Ive been having some manic emotional episodes.  No bueno, I'm not going to repeat my feelings. I'll post my Ig post where I express myself.  
  18. butch1977

    En Vogue & More

    By butch1977,

    The San Bernardino County Fair 2010 in Victorville, California USAHi Friends I'd like to share this with ya'll! Yesterday, Me & my Crew went to the Fair. The San Bernardino County Fair. EN VOGUE was having a concert. So my sis and I were huge En Vogue fans and that they were gonna be up here we had to see them. Then Earlier this week, I found out that 3 of Michael Jackson's rides from Neverland were going to be there. Ya'll know how much my & crew and I love him.
    So seeing En Vogue and some of Michael's actual posessions was going to Rule!
    When the show started I was in a kind of shock and kinda sad that it wasn't a full house.  They were so huge and popular and I never thought they would be at our lame fair, so it was very surreal,  I told my sis, 'They are from our generation!' It was also the original lineup! The real deal.  Anyhow we were sitting in the bleechers that were to the side of the stage and there was no assholes sitting on that side we went up to the top and kicked it. They were great they sounded awesome, I loved the dance moves and even when one of them said they were glad to perform for us even with the 50 mph winds, cuz it is always windy here.  As they were singing their hits and bringing it to us old school.  Some great memories of my teenage years were brought back and it was cool. They wanted us to raise the roof and You best believe I was getting all up in that ***CENSORED***! I thought to myself, they rule and they are here singing good and doing their thing, imma make sure i show my loyalty as a fan and dance and scream. So today I kept thinking to myself, they weren't a trashy, tacky, nasty, talentless assholes. They had class. They didn't need to open up their legs, cuss, a reality show or anything to be who they are and were. Nowadays, music and the world is in a pretty much state of total shit, talentless trash so called singers with sex tapes, teenyboppers that are just lame. Rarely does anything these days have a message or is talent it's all about money and record sales. Yet En Vogue has sold millions and millions and won awards and then some.
    Last year we saw Bret Michaels at the fair, it was great. Except there was alot of cuntz in the crowd.
    So after that I had BEER! Beer You got Beer? Anyhow, we were walking down the way and i was talking about sonic pressure and seeing all the lights and people and then we saw Michael's swings. Even making it better they were BLASTING Michael Jackson music, (I was wearing my Michael shirt also!) Anyhow, Seeing it was kinda dream like. I always wanted to go to Neverland, We've all seen how beautiful it was and all the rides and it was special. I thought this IS Michael's, I wondered which seat he was in and how much he probably loved it, We even wondered which seat Mac was in. Then I was thinking this should still be at Neverland and Michael should still be alive. I almost lost it, however I maintained. When we got on the swings, holy shit, that was spinning so fast and totally crazy, It was amazing. Next we went on THE SPIDER, it was this big shiny black spider looking attraction, it looked brand new on top of it. I can't explain the spinning motion but it was the shit! It was very fun and I was screaming SONIC PRESSURE! Along with the Michael that was Blasting!!!
    Next,
    We went on THE ZIPPER! I'm sure alot of people know what that is. My sis and I sat in the cage and the worker slammed it and I felt like I was about to do time. That shit was insane, the pressure really was increased, I was shouting lots of bizarre and obscene things. We almost died, it was the SHIT!

  19. butch1977

    Erotica 30

    By butch1977,


    music
    So while the site was loading I was just looking at the image for the Erotica album, I always loved the font for Erotica I still remember anticipating to buy the tape. I can't believe that it's been 30 years. I was in high school and I remember that the parental advisory wasn't on all copies of the album. The tapes didn't include Did You Do It? I also remember being worried about my mom's opinion because. My mom didn't approve of the Open Your Heart video so my mom wasn't ready for Dita. Over the years my mom came to respect her more. But during the Rebel Heart tour,  Madonna made some statement about the pope and the dancing for the holy water performance. My mom let it be known that she didn't approve of her actions. I just remember thinking it was funny. When Erotica came out I was 14 going on 15. Now here I am at forty five and i am a recording artist verified by spotify. I've always been an artist but not of the musician type. I didn't know that i had this music in my soul I don't think i would have found it if I didn't go through heartbreak. I think it would have stayed dormant in some way. Singing in front of others was something I was unable to do. It was not in my comfort zone.
     
    So it's bizarre to me that currently on Reverbnation i'm on a playlist for most played songs in l.a. the song that was eligible for this playlist was a demo called 'Love is (sad demo) The finished track is on my EP Happy Hokey, but the demo i recorded by myself playing the piano melody from my phone and recording myself singing the song, in the recording, my voice sounds all nasal because I had cried before I recorded it. The demo is sang the same way but i added words that weren't in the written lyrics and it makes it even more sad. It is my most played song on my profile too. 
     
  22. butch1977

    Fake News

    By butch1977,


    Madonna
    So I'm seeing these posts where fans are spreading this 'Greatest Hits Tour'  what I've learned over the years is that when Madonna is gonna tour you can't listen to fan sites. If she hasn't officially announced the tour, then there isn't a tour. All these people are getting excited from internet gossip with no official announcement,  come on people. If it's not on madonna.com then it's not real. These fan pages on Facebook are not reliable. 
  23. butch1977

    February

    By butch1977,


    Celebration Tour
    I'm glad Valentines Day is over. I kept myself as far as I could from anything that would have made me start to think about things that wouldn't be healthy for me. I think I did an alright job. Now I'm just thinking of how fast the days are gonna go by until SClub on February 27 and then days later is March 4 and Madonna! I've managed to not watch any tour footage online and I still don't know what the exact setlist is. I've seen the new merch added but from what other fans have said I haven't heard or seen any information about a program for the tour. In other news I just have to mention the new Jennylo album and movie that premiered today on amazon, 'this is me... now' It was pretty corny some parts were really over the top. For there to be this whole zodiac theme it was done in a really cheesy way that made me feel stupid in more than one scene. But I will say Beautiful gowns!
  25. butch1977

    Forever Sad

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    Right now I'm blasting Hung Up, i just had a little meltdown. I just thought about Ian, I'm clearly not over him. We were best friends and now we don't even speak. Having a broken heart is unbearable. I would rather be at the dentist or in the hospital. It's worse than my nightmares, I'd rather have a night terror. Nightmares end when u wake up, you get to leave the hospital and the dentist.  The nighttime is worse the loneliness i feel is a the worst I've ever felt. I use to like being alone now i just want to hide . It's 4am and i just took a bong rip. I have some dank, so that's good. Last monday i finally had the surgery for my kidney stone problem. Coronavirus canceled it cuz it was supposed to be done in November. Thats like 6 ***CENSORED*** months ago. 
    The last 6 months I've felt the worst physical and mental pain ever. I'm not shitting you. 
    The disintegration of my "soul sister's' over 20 year friendship is really sad and disappointing. The fact that she's actually oblivious to what is going on is astounding to me. Im flabbergasted.  She just keeps putting her foot in her mouth and she's talking such unbelievable talk she's going right up her own asshole and I'm not going there. I didn't want to go on this ride. If anyone out there is feeling sad, i hope u feel better. You do matter.
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