butch1977

It's about 2:30 a.m. and I'm starting to feel sad. It's that really bad feeling. I feel really lonely right now. the loneliness is so awful it makes me want to just jump out of my skin but I can't and there's nowhere to go and there's nothing that will make it stop. Ever since the disintegration getting dumped. Everything has been really tough besides my appendix rupturing and having to go to the hospital and have surgery last year but I feel so alone is it it's awful in my mind starts thinking all this crazy s*** is it sucks there's nothing worse than having meltdown at like 3 in the morning and you're all alone it sucks. I have this anxious feeling and it's kind of scaring me. It always happens late at night. My mind starts to think way too much and think about things that do nothing to help all it does is make me start to panic and it's hard. I've really been practicing on the keyboard and coming up with my own melodies and writing songs it's a new way of therapy. my friend is a musician and he's in a band and he is helping me to create some music and an album or e.p. he said a breakup album and a sad and bittersweet tale

Yesterday I got something in the mail I wasn't sure of what it was because I hadn't ordered anything when I opened it it was a package from China and it was a Madonna poster it was its double sided. I've never seen a poster like it before. Wno is it from? I don't know how to say the name exactly but I don't know who sent me it but I like it it's great. So right now I'm going to take a bong rip and I've been feeling really emotional today more than usual and had multiple meltdowns. I hate it it's awful and I wish I could go back in time to about 3 years ago and there is some pivotal points where things would be different right now if something different had been done before it's just a really sad f*****-up situation if you've ever been railroaded and thrown under the bus you know what I'm talking about is it it's not deserved and it's an acceptable but it's still unacceptable budget that I need to accept it because it's a truth and I have no choice but I'm sad about it all.

So I really hate feeling sad it's been getting worse. I just feel so alone and unloved just like I don't even exist and I've always felt like that but now it's almost unbearable being alone and getting stoned is not fun anymore. it's not I always end up pretty. it's just very difficult to fake out whats in my head. Even listening to music. I'm sure everyone has songs where they get will feel a little sad or feel but all here this certain songs and I burst into f****** tears and it's happening like a lot and it's kind of scares me because it's it's just so awful. I just took a big old bong rip and real life it's not enough I need to like angel dust or something because I need the next level or something. I be im a deep depression like a really deep and it almost feels like it's like I'm doomed and right now my my foot hurts I think I might be getting a gout attack coming on and that hurts when you get that it starts in your life bending your toes and it's feeling this is like the get ready cuz it's going to really hurt and I already have enough on my plate and I lately just want to get all of So today in the mail I got this poster and it was a it's a Madonna poster and if a double sided but the thing is I did not order this and I didn't buy it and it came from China I don't I'm baffled by what where it came from because I didn't buy it and I don't think I want any kind of contest or some s*** like that. I'm just really sad.

If u look through my pictures, you will see him. You will also see a little chihuahua. His name is ian and that is his dog wilma aka miss little. He's my true love, we called eachother husband, i had practiced proposing to him many times. I gave him lots of rings. He was my best friend and the coolest guy ever. We lived together until my drug addict brother turned everything upside down and he moved to oregon and began to isolate himself and . I'm in California. Now we're not together and I'm all alone. I loved being alone and it didn't bother me. I could smoke weed all alone no problem at all. Now i just feel sad. I hate it .

Last last Friday my sister and I went to see xtina at the Hollywood Bowl. It was very cool she sounded amazing. There were some assholes in the crowd that were singing along and trying to sing with her it was annoying but xtina was great It was the first time we ever took a a park and ride. We went back to carsoj and we were both born in Torrance. At the end of the night to get back on the bus we had to walk through and between buses that were on it it was like a death trap it was pretty scary. There was this tunnel on the exit and the roof was maybe 6 feet tall end it was I wanted out it was very bad but xtina was great she had the whole Orchestra. And it was so good one thing I didn't understand was the Hollywood sign you see in the background from the Hollywood Bowl however the lights were not lighting it up so you can see it that's stupid why the f*** wasn't the Hollywood Sign lit up.

So right now, I'm trying to not feel so sad. I just took a huge bong rip. I'm so lonely. I've been more emotional than usual. It's really bad. One good thing is this Friday my sister and I are going to see Xtina at the Hollywood Bowl. She's gonna be with the Phil harmonic. It's gonna be awesome. Right now I'm blasting Bionic. So cancer is in full swing. Yesterday was Bill Cosby's birthday. #isupportthecos He's been released from prison! I never believed any of that crap. So I love the cos and I give zero fs. I always said #freethecos

So on June 24th I turned 44. I really hate birthdays they're awful right now it's like 12:30 in the morning and I'm feeling really lonely and really sad I can't I'm so sick of it. So I'm trying to keep my mind on other things so I decided I will work on this blog I don't know about that onlyfans s*** it's I have for the picture I put up a picture that was not something I do usually put up and it was at onlyfans crap so I'm going to put a picture of my ass on here it's not like I was doing something obscene and I gave zero F's so but I also have told personal stories that where could be shocking to some interesting to self but I've cuz I get all these messages from right cheek it's really dirty stuff and there's a price next to it that's pretty sad she has went down so far so fast she's asking me if I want to see her do these really vulgar things and she's calling me Daddy I'd rather watch the orphan when she goes daddy daddy so I really love the orphan I've been watching the orphan the past I like two weeks oh and on my only fans page you can go and watch the Orphan, hell house 2 the Abaddon Hotel, Victim and other good things

So i just smoked a big fattie i rolled. I never had a problem smoking alone. The lonely feeling is just awful. I can't stand it. I can't handle getting even more sad. I created a onlyfans. Right cheek is on it and i wanted to like her and u could only do so if u had a profile lmao. It's sad cuz right cheek sends me all these nasty messages and they always have a price!! It's sad, i gave her a $3 tip and she said what was she gonna do with 3 dollars, i left this long ass comment on how 3 is a lucky number. I decided I'm going to be an influencer on only fans. Lmfao, I'm listening to Garbage, they had a new album come out, i got it on cd and green vinyl. I'm high as a kite.

Right now I'm blasting Hung Up, i just had a little meltdown. I just thought about Ian, I'm clearly not over him. We were best friends and now we don't even speak. Having a broken heart is unbearable. I would rather be at the dentist or in the hospital. It's worse than my nightmares, I'd rather have a night terror. Nightmares end when u wake up, you get to leave the hospital and the dentist. The nighttime is worse the loneliness i feel is a the worst I've ever felt. I use to like being alone now i just want to hide . It's 4am and i just took a bong rip. I have some dank, so that's good. Last monday i finally had the surgery for my kidney stone problem. Coronavirus canceled it cuz it was supposed to be done in November. Thats like 6 ***CENSORED*** months ago. The last 6 months I've felt the worst physical and mental pain ever. I'm not shitting you. The disintegration of my "soul sister's' over 20 year friendship is really sad and disappointing. The fact that she's actually oblivious to what is going on is astounding to me. Im flabbergasted. She just keeps putting her foot in her mouth and she's talking such unbelievable talk she's going right up her own asshole and I'm not going there. I didn't want to go on this ride. If anyone out there is feeling sad, i hope u feel better. You do matter.