butch1977

I was uploading pictures and then i saw all these other old pictures. Now i feel like i wanna cry. I'm all alone. And im sad. Yeah now I'm crying i hate it. 😢😧

So I've been having a binge of highway to heaven. I was a kid back in the 80s when it was on . IT was a great there always was a good message and it was a feel-good show today I feel really tainted I'm tired of feeling painted those so-called friends that pissed me off are oblivious. It's really frustrating to have your friends not even know that they really hurt your feelings it makes you feel really stupid like "friends what is a friend.

So i was on that grinder bullshit a few minutes ago. I go on there to actually chat I'm not trying to get laid. My ho days are long gone. I really dislike having a profile. I feel like such a loser. I know it's a big joke to make fun of it but in the whole scheme of it all it's really sad. I'm all alone except my cats are here. But 'Latinbooty' just tapped me and said hello and sent a picture of his ass. Since he said hello before the picture of the ass. U would be shocked the amount of guys who start the conversation with an ass pic. 'Hole shots' are the worst. Since he said hello and asked how i was doing, i told him he had a nice ass, i was just trying to be polite. Then he sent more ass pics. Then the stalkings and garter belts...... i don't like this. Era of my life. It is the shittiest on record.

Tomorrow i have another Dentist appointment. I hate the dentist so much. My ptsd has been a real struggle. Since September i have been really down. First i got dumped, then in October, my appendix ruptured and I had to have surgery and i was in the hospital for a week and i had kidney stones. The first 3 days i was only allowed to have ice chips! It sucked and the pain was unreal. Because of coronavirus no visitors were allowed. When i got out of the hospital i lost close to 20 pounds. When i got out of the hospital i was in lots of pain and i no longer had my dad bod that i had embraced. At Christmas time my supposed 2 best friends of over 20 years really disappointed me and hurt my feelings. During Christmas i had an awful toothache that made my face swell up and i looked like elephant man. Things were tough and painful and instead of having support from my friends, my bestie kicked me when i was down and she knew what she said was not cool but she said it. I told my other best friend. Her husband, not even an hour later, i told him that she really hurt my feelings and i wanted to get that out and not let it fester. He always can be a mediator and think clear, not this time. I heard nothing from him. He was so busy in his music studio and only thinking of himself. *** i was a key worker in building the studio. Nobody ever asked me if I was able to do the job, and for free i might ad. But my bestie had already recruited me for the job. It would have been nice to have known that i was going to be needed EVERY day. One day i told my friend i wasn't feeling well and i couldn't help. She said please just for a few hours. And me the idiot and good friend that i am went anyways. I should have mentioned that months prior to that i helped with the moving of two different houses for them and guess what I did that for free too. So after i was dumped i booked a flight to oregon to try and save my relationship. I asked my friend for a favor, if he could drive me to the airport. He said NO!! and he used the coronavirus as the reason he wasn't able or allowed to give me the ride. So i didnt get to oregon. Firstly my bf was living with me and my family and circumstances were forcing him to leave. During that time, i had asked my bestie if he could stay the night just one night at their house because he had no place to go. My bestie had said "no" he couldn't she gave the excuse because they were in the process of moving that she couldn't allow it. Remember it was me who was helping with the moving. So i was disappointed and me and my bf had to camp at one of the local parks. Those are the only favors i have asked in 10 years. That's the truth. Ive been devastated from the breakup and i know he still loves me. So i sent him flowers, then my bff, bestie. Soul sister, sent me a message, let me say. Christmas and new years both passed and i hadn't got any messages from her. So when i saw she sent me a message. When i read it, it started out like this....."I don't mean to be rude, but if he broke up with you why are you sending him flowers " REALLY, REALLY she didn't "mean to be rude" ***CENSORED*** you, that's bullshit. After everything i had dealt with, and my dog had died a few days after she said that. Since then she has spoke with my mom and instead of just owning the fact that she was being a straight up ***CENSORED*** and not supportive. She was explaining that she 'didn't want to see me get hurt anymore" that made me think of the time she said i needed to detox from my medication. I take it for my depression bipolar mental issues. She made it sound like i was a drug addict. So in my world, they no longer exist. That was kinda like a rant.

My dog Rafael passed away unexpectedly. I've have been in a deep depression. Tjis had made my already fragile state of mind into a nose dive. It's eeally difficult. Being an empath on top of it. Id rather be having a nightmare because nightmares aren't real and wake up. I so sad and lonely. Im so damn stoned

California is on lockdown again. I've bedn miserable and in pain, ths kidney stones are hurting, the toothache. Recovery from my appendix ruptured. And getting dumped has be brokenhearted and devastated. It's been a real struggle. It's Christmas time and Christmas make me really sad.

I'm really sad. It's the worst ever. Getting dumped, surgery, and more bullshit. My life has fallen apart. I think we are on lockdown too. I hate my nightmares they have always been scary. Now, my life is worse than a living nightmare. It's awful. Now, i wish that my nightmares were my reality. Because feeling sad and devastated is unbearable. So ive been trying to keep myself busy. Im having an episode of mania. I'm going to teach myself to play the piano too. I'm sick of crying.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CDSY970lOWi/?igshid=yd9htnykq577 Well i haven't been on lately. Ive been having some manic emotional episodes. No bueno, I'm not going to repeat my feelings. I'll post my Ig post where I express myself.