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butch1977

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Blog Entries posted by butch1977

  1. butch1977
    So I'm blasting Medicine by Jennylo and the whole world is gone awry with this coronavirus bull. The panic buying and paranoia going on is out of control. I've never seen or experienced this kind of behavior. So I'm going to take some bong rips and listen to medicine again. 
    Everyone wash all your food off.
  3. butch1977

    November

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    happy Halloween
    so it's now November 1st and Halloween was yesterday it was decent but I was severely sad and its eally starting to be an issue.
    and I having anxiety and these controllable meltdowns or just little things and then I will blubbering mess and it's like I can't pull it together it's it's f****** awful and the feeling of how awful end just like it's a nightmare that's how it is that scared feeling it's it's and it's been getting worse it hasn't been getting better at all and play album was I think I had mentioned that the perp my producer said it would be out by 9 or before Halloween and of well it's Halloween was yesterday and my time in the studio this last week was early too have a longer time to get do more however by the time was cut short because my producer had a appointment for getting a haircut I'm not shiting you and then there was a little talk about it but it's not really important if it was like moving a house in like physical labor not the one to come to but really in getting more disappointed in my supposed best friends I think whenever I'm writing a Blog on here I'm talking about how sad I am and it's but it's getting worse and worse and it's okay I was going to stop beating around the bush if someone says or talks about suicide you one of the things listed in the what you should do is for support to the person who's feeling like that one of them was to Safe safer going to do something and and do it actually do it keep commitments and s*** like that and it also has versus its to be taking taken seriously majorly and if you would it's gotten to the point to where you have been to this more than once like a shitload and getting a little more more knowledge about it and get sentence respond response that is if it's not supportive especially when you say you're going to do something for his and then did it doesn't happen but the social media shows that all of this other stuff is big oh taken care of and addressed and album artwork that I created and this is what I got out of the hospital last year I saw that it was it was you some of it was used but it look like it had been edited somehow is that just rubs me the wrong way and I think it that's like a shity thing to do cuz I don't know about you but a friend shouldn't well sirens there was some Sirens just going by and I thought I was recording this video but I'm writing a Blog what I'm speaking into the of tablet because if I was busy it would be really hard to be typing all of this but to sum it all up I think a response a few weeks ago with is it this weekend we'll talk about the subject of pills and then when that happens it's it's not even mentioned again so I'm trying to. Put as he was identity out there but I remember also blocking about my friends who had really hurt my feelings this is the same friend if there is just Ben selfish behavior on the other part again and again and it's not cool and especially with how the difficult things have been and I'm not I don't want anyone's sympathy but I might just likes some understanding be because friends or anyone basically says it fits they talk about suicide that it's serious and it's not it's not something that's supposed to be I just have really gotten sick of like that total it's very sad and of it's really sad that you can that best friends that you would deduct do it anything for because just because but they will give you the same date when you have someone who if they say they're going to do it and is always there and does it 2 I've seen probably way too much that bye best friends when it when it comes down to it they're more concerned with themselves and that's a pretty selfish it's especially when just laziness on the other part I just took a huge bong rip Police telephone that's another thing why using the speaker on this s*** because it's typing on the phone cats like whoa It's takes even longer so except some of the things that it's it doesn't allow to forward f*** it has the little like simple do you know what I'm saying but how much do and I lost my train of thought but basically tres just one protect this is that and don't expect to be treated nice. And daididau 8% of people are more concerned with themselves and it's really selfish and it's pretty rude especially with these selfish people aren't getting what they want and then they're like complaining to you about it it's stupid and all these people with goddamn amnesia they say something good don't follow through with it you know what like that previous the topic I was talking about so so anyways that's about all that go to bed it's it's already 3 3 a.m. but this sundowning s*** that's black people only old people had that is he what he's
  4. butch1977

    TAINTED

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    Tomorrow i have another Dentist appointment.  I hate the dentist so much. My ptsd has been a real struggle. Since September  i have been really down. First i got dumped, then in October,  my appendix ruptured and I had to have surgery and i was in the hospital for a week and i had kidney stones.  The first 3 days i was only allowed to have ice chips! It sucked and the pain was unreal. Because of coronavirus no visitors were allowed.  When i got out of the hospital  i lost close to 20 pounds. When i got out of the hospital i was in lots of pain and i no longer had my dad bod that i had embraced. At Christmas time my supposed 2 best friends of over 20 years really disappointed me and hurt my feelings. During Christmas i had an awful toothache that made my face swell up and i looked like elephant man.  Things were tough and painful and instead of having support from my friends, my bestie kicked me when i was down and she knew what she said was not cool but she said it. I told my other best friend. Her husband, not even an hour later,  i told him that she really hurt my feelings  and i wanted to get that out and not let it fester.  He always  can be a mediator and think clear,  not this time. I heard nothing from him. He was so busy in his music studio and  only thinking of himself. *** i was a key worker in building the studio. Nobody ever asked me if I was able to do the job, and for free i might ad. But my bestie had already recruited me for the job. It would have been nice to have known that i was going to be needed EVERY day. One day i told my friend i wasn't feeling well and i couldn't help.  She said please just for a few hours. And me the idiot and good friend that i am went anyways. 
    I should have mentioned that  months prior to that i helped with the moving of two different houses for them and guess what I did that for free too. 
    So after i was dumped i booked a flight to oregon to try and save my relationship.  I asked my friend for a favor, if he could drive me to the airport.  He said NO!!  and he used the coronavirus as the reason he wasn't  able or allowed to give me the ride. So i didnt get to oregon. Firstly my bf was living with me and my family and circumstances were forcing him to leave. During that time, i had asked my bestie if he could stay the night just one night at their house because he had no place to go. My bestie had said  "no" he couldn't  she gave the excuse because they were in the process of moving that she couldn't allow it. Remember it was me who was helping with the moving. So i was disappointed and  me and my bf had to camp  at  one of the local parks. 
    Those are the only favors i have asked in 10 years.  That's the truth.   
    Ive been devastated from the breakup and i know he still loves me. So i sent him flowers,  then my bff, bestie. Soul sister, sent me a message, let me say. Christmas and new years both passed and i hadn't got any messages from her. So when i saw she sent me a message. When i read it, it started out like this....."I don't  mean to be rude, but if he broke up with you why are you sending him flowers "
    REALLY, REALLY  she didn't "mean to be rude" ***CENSORED*** you, that's bullshit. After everything  i had dealt with, and my dog had died  a few days after she said that.
    Since then she has spoke with my mom and instead of just owning the fact that she was being a straight up ***CENSORED*** and not supportive. She was explaining that she 'didn't want to see me get hurt anymore" that made me think of the time she said i needed to detox from my medication. I take it for my depression bipolar mental  issues. She made it sound like i was a drug addict. 
    So in my world, they no longer exist. 
    That was kinda like a rant.
  5. butch1977

    Oregon!

    By butch1977,

    So tomorrow I'm taking a plane to Oregon and im going to see my husband. I'm so excited. I'm trying to remain as calm as I can, with this pandemic bullshit happening. So tomorrow i will be going in an Airport and on a plane and I have to wear a mask. Isn't that bizarre. The fear isn't terrorists anymore!
  6. butch1977

    The Cos!

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So right now, I'm trying to not feel so sad. I just took a huge bong rip. I'm so lonely.  I've been more emotional than usual.  It's really bad. One good thing is this Friday my sister and I are going to see Xtina at the Hollywood Bowl. She's gonna be with the Phil harmonic. It's gonna be awesome. Right now I'm blasting Bionic.
    So cancer is in full swing. Yesterday was Bill Cosby's birthday.  #isupportthecos He's been released from prison!  I never believed any of that crap. So I love the cos and I give zero fs. I always said #freethecos
  7. butch1977

    I Am An Artist

    By butch1977,


    Life
    Well before I get into my lyrics and song credits. I want to mention something. On one of my more recent blogs, I mentioned that I was hanging out with a friend. Well since I've been having an issue with tennis elbow on my left arm we have not hung out lately and we exchanged texts and discussed hanging out this week sometime. As people know things can come up and plans change. Apparently since tonight he really wanted to see me and I said, tomorrow. The response I got was him saying he had to work tomorrow and he doesn't know how long it will be before he sees me and that he doesn't want to see me anymore ever again. It was really over dramatic and selfish, he said i haven't seen you in a month and my arm had a month to rest. I really can't believe that I'm writing about this right now. I just can't believe the immature behavior. I know i'm moody but he went from wanting to hang out and smoking. Then when I said tomorow and he asked again and I said no. It was like If I didn't see him tonight then he doesn't know if he wants to see me again. Really, I don't need someone trying to make me feel bad because I can't hang out. I'm good then dude, you won't see me again and lose my number. Total millenial gen z behavior, dramatic and selfish. So i'm gonna choose for this friendship to be done because, I don't need or have time for this kind of nonsense. 
  8. butch1977

    Still sad

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    My meds i take at night says that marijuana  can make u more drowsy. That's true. Writing messages takes so long, it is kind of like slow motion. I take these for my bipolar and ptsd. I've always been sad but the sad and lonely feeling i feel now is unreal, it's ***CENSORED*** unbearable. I should have known my happiness has the black cloud too. When ian and i were together, i was happy actually happy i was so happy and i had never had that feeling of true honest happiness. I didn't know i could feel that way. Losing that happiness  has left me truly brokenhearted and devastated.  I'm unable to move on. That is the honest truth. It feels worse than a nightmare cuz there is no waking up. It's real,  there is no escaping from it. The actual sick feeling. Its the awful feeling u have in nightmares but u wake up cuz its so upsetting.  Except now that horrible feeling is taking place now. I feel so lonely and unloved like a sad lonely pathetic ***CENSORED***. 
  9. butch1977

    Stoned

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So I'm pretty stoned right now. I called discount dank this evening and i got some flower. I luv the lady who takes calls. She always calls me eugene 
  10. butch1977

    Home Again

    By butch1977,

    Well I'm back home in California, it was so nice to see my husband. Oregon is a really beautiful state it's so green. I knew it was going to be emotional and I was right. When the plane took off I was in tears. Wearing a mask and crying while saying goodbye to loved ones is a drag!
  11. butch1977

    MASKS!

    By butch1977,

    Dear blog, well now it is required by the law that in California you must wear a mask! There will be a $1000 fine if you aren't wearing a mask. It's unreal, 2 weeks ago my dog died and then last week my cousin died. It's been rough, on April 9 it marks the 20 year anniversary of  EXPLICIT getting raped. I've blogged about it before so no need to bring up shitty things. #survivor So it's been emotional like I'm sure everyone  is having a difficult time. 
    I went to Stater bros to do some grocery shopping and i wore a bandana as a mask.  Tjis is the twilight zone!
    Be safe everyone. 
  12. butch1977

    44

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So on June 24th I turned 44. I really hate birthdays they're awful right now it's like 12:30 in the morning and I'm feeling really lonely and really sad I can't I'm so sick of it. So I'm trying to keep my mind on other things so I decided I will work on this blog I don't know about that onlyfans s*** it's I have for the picture I put up a picture that was not something I do usually put up and it was at onlyfans crap so I'm going to put a picture of my ass on here it's not like I was doing something obscene and I gave zero F's so but I also have told personal stories that where could be shocking to some interesting to self but I've cuz I get all these messages from right cheek it's really dirty stuff and there's a price next to it that's pretty sad she has went down so far so fast she's asking me if I want to see her do these really vulgar things and she's calling me Daddy I'd rather watch the orphan when she goes daddy daddy so I really love the orphan I've been watching the orphan the past I like two weeks oh and on my only fans page you can go and watch the Orphan, hell house 2 the Abaddon Hotel, Victim and other good things 
  13. butch1977

    Grinder sux

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So i was on that grinder bullshit a few minutes ago. I go on there to actually chat I'm not trying to get laid. My ho days are long gone.  I  really dislike having a profile. I feel like such a loser. I know it's a big joke to make fun of it but in the whole scheme of it all it's really sad.  I'm  all alone except my cats are here. But  'Latinbooty'  just tapped me and said hello and sent a picture of his ass. Since he said hello before the picture of the ass. U would be shocked  the amount of guys who start the conversation with  an ass pic. 'Hole shots' are the worst.  Since he said hello  and asked how i was doing,  i told him he had a nice ass,  i was just trying to be polite. Then he sent more ass pics. Then the stalkings and garter belts...... i don't like this. Era of my life. It is the shittiest on record.
  14. butch1977
    so here I am its 1:34 a.m. 
    Lockdown in California
    All of this crazy shit in the world. The panic and hysteria is not getting better. It's getting worse 
    I was already sad and it's hard dealing with bipolar and my.ptsd. I've been having nightmares every night when i do get sleep.
    Gotta run, 
     
    Cont.
  15. butch1977

    A Cold Lonely Night

    By butch1977,


    Life
    Christmas has only gotten sadder as I've gotten older. I've become quite the Scrooge. The last five years of my life have been pretty chaotic. During this time something happened that turned things around and I was celebrating christmas. i was in love and I was actually happy. I miss that feeling. What is difficult is dealing with the aftermath that has been left from my brother. I would have not gotten dumped by email if my brother wouldn't have sabotaged things. I'm not just making up stories or trying to blame others without merit. My brother deliberately made up lies and created drama in the family. He's been doing it all his life. He wore a bug for the cops and his wife and all her family went to prison, not him. When I was a teenager, he was found beaten up and thrown in a dumpster. Why did that happen, well my other brother said 'he dropped the dime' So that gives you an idea of his character. I've always tried to help him with anything I could. There was even a time I was writing letters to judges about having his kids come live with my family because his parental rights have all been terminated. I went out of my way to help him. It was soon after my first plane flight to oregon and when we drove back. (my song FOTC tells the story) But it was when I got home he told me that i was 'on the chopping block' I didn't know what he was talking about but in the coming months with his constant pot stirring he created this awful oppressive and negative energy the atmosphere was the worst. What is the most fucked up thing was he was doing this to me on purpose, he was telling straight out lies and talking shit on me and I've never done anything to him. He's stole from everyone in my family. So . Will finish later
  17. butch1977

    Blue Alien

    By butch1977,

    So I'm smoking this dank called blue alien it's really good I'm stoned I feel like Maria I be in a deep depression it's really awful. I don't like all of this judgment and death I just think it's tainted I want none of  thismb, 
  18. butch1977

    Friends

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So I've been having a binge of highway to heaven.  I was a kid back in the 80s when it was on . IT was a great there always was a good message and it was a feel-good show today I feel really tainted I'm tired of feeling painted those so-called friends that pissed me off are oblivious. It's really frustrating to have your friends not even know that they really hurt your feelings it makes you feel really stupid like "friends what is a friend.
  20. butch1977

    New Year New Me

    By butch1977,


    music
    So It's a new year and it doesn't really feel like a new me. On New Years Eve, my 5th EP Unhappy was released. I finished the project. It was quite an experience. The Happy Hokey EP and Unhappy EP were considered albums. They both had more than 5 songs on them and I think that has something to do with it. There were about 4 new songs that were added to Unhappy but they weren't technically added to Unhappy, There is gonna be a 6th EP. It will most likely be like the epilogue to the story. I also want to release the sad demos of Friends and Love Is. Both of these alternate versions have added lines that weren't used in the other versions and it gives them this really sad truth that the album versions don't have. The sad demo of Love Is, is sang in a way that flows in a more emotional sound, also I recorded it after having some kind of crying episode so it's very raw, it's beautifully sad. It's pretty deep and the 'yes dad' sounds sad yet sweet.
  21. butch1977

    Erotica 30

    By butch1977,


    music
    So while the site was loading I was just looking at the image for the Erotica album, I always loved the font for Erotica I still remember anticipating to buy the tape. I can't believe that it's been 30 years. I was in high school and I remember that the parental advisory wasn't on all copies of the album. The tapes didn't include Did You Do It? I also remember being worried about my mom's opinion because. My mom didn't approve of the Open Your Heart video so my mom wasn't ready for Dita. Over the years my mom came to respect her more. But during the Rebel Heart tour,  Madonna made some statement about the pope and the dancing for the holy water performance. My mom let it be known that she didn't approve of her actions. I just remember thinking it was funny. When Erotica came out I was 14 going on 15. Now here I am at forty five and i am a recording artist verified by spotify. I've always been an artist but not of the musician type. I didn't know that i had this music in my soul I don't think i would have found it if I didn't go through heartbreak. I think it would have stayed dormant in some way. Singing in front of others was something I was unable to do. It was not in my comfort zone.
     
    So it's bizarre to me that currently on Reverbnation i'm on a playlist for most played songs in l.a. the song that was eligible for this playlist was a demo called 'Love is (sad demo) The finished track is on my EP Happy Hokey, but the demo i recorded by myself playing the piano melody from my phone and recording myself singing the song, in the recording, my voice sounds all nasal because I had cried before I recorded it. The demo is sang the same way but i added words that weren't in the written lyrics and it makes it even more sad. It is my most played song on my profile too. 
     
  22. butch1977

    Kim Kardashian Hollywood App

    By butch1977,


    Kim Kardashian APP
    So I really dislike the kardashians I've always loved Kris Jenner but not the rest of them. However on the Kim Kardashian app, I've played it on and off for a few years and deleted it and then downloaded  again. Then deleted it a few more times. Since Christmas I've been really getting into it. My character got married and I'm on the A list currently. I had not completed tasks and I went to the c list. But I've been doing modeling gigs with kris jenner and she gives me points. Just today kim kardashian who always calls me bestie wanted me to find out the hottest fashions around the world. lmao. i've been on the D list the whole time before. It's hard to believe that i have a big mansion in Bel Air, one in Miami, and two condos one, in hollywood and the other in downtown los angeles, but the Mansion in Bel Air and Miami have no furniture or anything. That costs K coins and K coins are given specially. Unless you pay real money to get the Kcoins. On the game I currently have $31844
     
    *new idea
    So I just had to make a note of that and do it. I'm think I want to start doing my live streams on youtube. I want to get into the app and how ridiculous it is and all that i do on it. I don't want to do crying live streams lol 
    Last night I was laying down and then some negative thoughts came into my mind and i started getting sad and I didn't want to let it get out of control so I went onto my facebook page for sonic pressure and i went live. when I go live i don't feel like i'm completely alone it's like an invisible friend. sometimes i don't even have anything to say or I babble about all kinds of shit. Well last night, i was pretty stoned and passed out and fell asleep and my phone continued to stream live for over 4 hours till the battery died. So that sleeping live video isn't very exciting and it's kinda boring, so i'm gonna chat about the kim kardashian app and the kim kardashian trashcan.
  23. butch1977

    Real Brown Eyes

    By butch1977,


    Music
    So today my new single Real Brown Eyes dropped its the first song from my 2nd EP 'Just Luv' 
    Since I never planned on being a singer or singing songs. The title of this got lost in the recording process. These songs all were a labor of love and they were poems and sonnets for the man I was in love with. I wrote approximately 4 Shakespearean sonnets using the format and rhyme sceme.
    On my first EP 'FEEDER' there was a song called, 'Young Man, Brown Eyes/Animal fries. The version on Feeder has some issues, that should have been titled 'Young Man' also the song is a Shakespearean sonnet but the cut on the EP has some errors, the. In a Shakespearean sonnet the final 2 lines are to be a couplet, my producer accidentally left out the first line of the Couplet in the mixing process.  
    The original couplet is:
    I wish things didn't go bad.
    Now I'm alone and so sad.
    So it's gonna be a single by itself and will be titled 'The Real Young Man' which will be the correct version and will truly be in the Shakespearean sonnet format. Because as it is now, i still say the words, 'this is a 'Shakespearean sonnet' at the end. But with that version. It isn't truly a Shakespearean sonnet.  So i feel like a schmuck because if people listen to it then say, that's not a Shakespearean sonnet, they are correct. But the appropriate version will come out. That is why this new song is called 'Real Brown Eyes' because the mixup with the sonnets. So now that I've said that and cleared that up and blogged about it then i don't look like a dumbass!
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