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butch1977

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Blog Entries posted by butch1977

  1. butch1977

    Still sad

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    My meds i take at night says that marijuana  can make u more drowsy. That's true. Writing messages takes so long, it is kind of like slow motion. I take these for my bipolar and ptsd. I've always been sad but the sad and lonely feeling i feel now is unreal, it's ***CENSORED*** unbearable. I should have known my happiness has the black cloud too. When ian and i were together, i was happy actually happy i was so happy and i had never had that feeling of true honest happiness. I didn't know i could feel that way. Losing that happiness  has left me truly brokenhearted and devastated.  I'm unable to move on. That is the honest truth. It feels worse than a nightmare cuz there is no waking up. It's real,  there is no escaping from it. The actual sick feeling. Its the awful feeling u have in nightmares but u wake up cuz its so upsetting.  Except now that horrible feeling is taking place now. I feel so lonely and unloved like a sad lonely pathetic ***CENSORED***. 
  2. butch1977

    PHONES SUCK

    By butch1977,


    Menk
    So my current phone, the galaxy s7 active is not working correctly I am using this galaxy s4. ***CENSORED*** att, 
    When this phone was acting up, something with the memory card always had errors.  Then since I'm not rich my current phone the galaxy s7 cost me a thousands of dollars. The morons at att, added a new number with a line of service that I had to pay. I needed a new phone, not a new number. The ONLY way to to fix this was to pay the full balance instead of payments. So I was now paying 65.00 more cuz this new number. U know att screwed up. From what I was told from one of the many customer service representatives there was no way to override this in their computer service. Yet there mobile site has been revamped multiple times.  Atts Facebook had blocked me! There is more but.  This small phone is giving me a headache. 
  3. butch1977

    Sad

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    I was uploading pictures and then i saw all these other old pictures. Now i feel like i wanna cry. I'm all alone. And im sad. Yeah now I'm crying i hate it. 😢😧
  4. butch1977

    Friends

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So I've been having a binge of highway to heaven.  I was a kid back in the 80s when it was on . IT was a great there always was a good message and it was a feel-good show today I feel really tainted I'm tired of feeling painted those so-called friends that pissed me off are oblivious. It's really frustrating to have your friends not even know that they really hurt your feelings it makes you feel really stupid like "friends what is a friend.
  5. butch1977

    Grinder sux

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So i was on that grinder bullshit a few minutes ago. I go on there to actually chat I'm not trying to get laid. My ho days are long gone.  I  really dislike having a profile. I feel like such a loser. I know it's a big joke to make fun of it but in the whole scheme of it all it's really sad.  I'm  all alone except my cats are here. But  'Latinbooty'  just tapped me and said hello and sent a picture of his ass. Since he said hello before the picture of the ass. U would be shocked  the amount of guys who start the conversation with  an ass pic. 'Hole shots' are the worst.  Since he said hello  and asked how i was doing,  i told him he had a nice ass,  i was just trying to be polite. Then he sent more ass pics. Then the stalkings and garter belts...... i don't like this. Era of my life. It is the shittiest on record.
  6. butch1977

    TAINTED

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    Tomorrow i have another Dentist appointment.  I hate the dentist so much. My ptsd has been a real struggle. Since September  i have been really down. First i got dumped, then in October,  my appendix ruptured and I had to have surgery and i was in the hospital for a week and i had kidney stones.  The first 3 days i was only allowed to have ice chips! It sucked and the pain was unreal. Because of coronavirus no visitors were allowed.  When i got out of the hospital  i lost close to 20 pounds. When i got out of the hospital i was in lots of pain and i no longer had my dad bod that i had embraced. At Christmas time my supposed 2 best friends of over 20 years really disappointed me and hurt my feelings. During Christmas i had an awful toothache that made my face swell up and i looked like elephant man.  Things were tough and painful and instead of having support from my friends, my bestie kicked me when i was down and she knew what she said was not cool but she said it. I told my other best friend. Her husband, not even an hour later,  i told him that she really hurt my feelings  and i wanted to get that out and not let it fester.  He always  can be a mediator and think clear,  not this time. I heard nothing from him. He was so busy in his music studio and  only thinking of himself. *** i was a key worker in building the studio. Nobody ever asked me if I was able to do the job, and for free i might ad. But my bestie had already recruited me for the job. It would have been nice to have known that i was going to be needed EVERY day. One day i told my friend i wasn't feeling well and i couldn't help.  She said please just for a few hours. And me the idiot and good friend that i am went anyways. 
    I should have mentioned that  months prior to that i helped with the moving of two different houses for them and guess what I did that for free too. 
    So after i was dumped i booked a flight to oregon to try and save my relationship.  I asked my friend for a favor, if he could drive me to the airport.  He said NO!!  and he used the coronavirus as the reason he wasn't  able or allowed to give me the ride. So i didnt get to oregon. Firstly my bf was living with me and my family and circumstances were forcing him to leave. During that time, i had asked my bestie if he could stay the night just one night at their house because he had no place to go. My bestie had said  "no" he couldn't  she gave the excuse because they were in the process of moving that she couldn't allow it. Remember it was me who was helping with the moving. So i was disappointed and  me and my bf had to camp  at  one of the local parks. 
    Those are the only favors i have asked in 10 years.  That's the truth.   
    Ive been devastated from the breakup and i know he still loves me. So i sent him flowers,  then my bff, bestie. Soul sister, sent me a message, let me say. Christmas and new years both passed and i hadn't got any messages from her. So when i saw she sent me a message. When i read it, it started out like this....."I don't  mean to be rude, but if he broke up with you why are you sending him flowers "
    REALLY, REALLY  she didn't "mean to be rude" ***CENSORED*** you, that's bullshit. After everything  i had dealt with, and my dog had died  a few days after she said that.
    Since then she has spoke with my mom and instead of just owning the fact that she was being a straight up ***CENSORED*** and not supportive. She was explaining that she 'didn't want to see me get hurt anymore" that made me think of the time she said i needed to detox from my medication. I take it for my depression bipolar mental  issues. She made it sound like i was a drug addict. 
    So in my world, they no longer exist. 
    That was kinda like a rant.
  7. butch1977

    Beyond sad

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    My dog Rafael passed away unexpectedly.  I've have been in a deep depression. Tjis had made my already fragile state of mind into a nose dive. It's eeally difficult.  Being an empath on top of it.  Id rather be having a nightmare because nightmares aren't real and wake up. I so sad and lonely. Im so damn stoned 
  8. butch1977

    Lockdown,

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    California  is on lockdown again.  I've bedn miserable and in pain, ths kidney stones are hurting,  the toothache. Recovery from my appendix ruptured.  And getting dumped has be brokenhearted and devastated.  It's been a  real struggle.  It's Christmas time and Christmas make me really sad.
  9. butch1977

    Sad

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    I'm really sad.  It's the worst ever. Getting dumped, surgery, and more bullshit. My life has fallen apart. I think we are on lockdown too. I hate my nightmares they have always been  scary. Now, my life is worse than a living nightmare. It's awful. Now, i wish that my nightmares were my reality. Because  feeling sad and devastated is unbearable. So ive been trying to keep myself busy.  Im having an episode of mania. I'm going to teach myself to play the piano too. I'm sick of crying. 
  10. butch1977

    Dr. Stella!

    By butch1977,

    https://www.instagram.com/p/CDSY970lOWi/?igshid=yd9htnykq577
     
    Well i haven't been on lately. Ive been having some manic emotional episodes.  No bueno, I'm not going to repeat my feelings. I'll post my Ig post where I express myself.  
  11. butch1977

    Catatonia

    By butch1977,

    So I've been really feeling sad, Sadder than the usual, I miss my husband. 
    I always have had nightmares and i just recently discovered that my bad dreams are night terrors. I hate it, I have this recurring nightmare that I'm on a sinking ship.
    Ever since I got back from Oregon I've really been sad.
  13. butch1977

    Blue Alien

    By butch1977,

    So I'm smoking this dank called blue alien it's really good I'm stoned I feel like Maria I be in a deep depression it's really awful. I don't like all of this judgment and death I just think it's tainted I want none of  thismb, 
  14. butch1977

    Goodbye Felecia

    By butch1977,

    Well I'm able to post on Facebook but I'm being threatened with suspension for 30 days if I violste the terms. Facebook is bullshit. It's depressing and too much drama at least. Here on Icon it's a ghost town.
  15. butch1977

    Home Again

    By butch1977,

    Well I'm back home in California, it was so nice to see my husband. Oregon is a really beautiful state it's so green. I knew it was going to be emotional and I was right. When the plane took off I was in tears. Wearing a mask and crying while saying goodbye to loved ones is a drag!
  16. butch1977

    Oregon!

    By butch1977,

    So tomorrow I'm taking a plane to Oregon and im going to see my husband. I'm so excited. I'm trying to remain as calm as I can, with this pandemic bullshit happening. So tomorrow i will be going in an Airport and on a plane and I have to wear a mask. Isn't that bizarre. The fear isn't terrorists anymore!
  17. butch1977

    Sadney

    By butch1977,

    So ive been in a real deep depression. My mind is manic as hell. My husband went to Oregon last july. Last year i was on the chopping block and everything went awry. Then he was in oregon and we became a ling distance relationship.  When i wasted 16 years of my life and i was in a vicious cycle and he lived in this shitty town called Hemet and he was under 100 miles. It would usually take maybe 1 and a half hours to drive. That was all a joke. But here i am alone during a pandemic and my soulmate is over 1000 miles away. 
  18. butch1977

    Insomnia Sux

    By butch1977,

    So, i just uploaded some pics of the garden this year. I've been in a deep depression. 
    So I'm about to take a bong rip. 
    Bong rips are so good
    We'll just take a  couple of bong rips and everything will be ok.
  20. butch1977

    Seclusion

    By butch1977,

    Dear Diary,  First off I'm kind of stoned. The state of the world is a mess. The white privilege is out of control. These people protesting the social distancing. The stupidity is endless. Trump needs to get assassinated. He has akways been a POS. 
    Meanwhile I'm blasting Selena and taking some bong rips. 
  21. butch1977

    MASKS!

    By butch1977,

    Dear blog, well now it is required by the law that in California you must wear a mask! There will be a $1000 fine if you aren't wearing a mask. It's unreal, 2 weeks ago my dog died and then last week my cousin died. It's been rough, on April 9 it marks the 20 year anniversary of  EXPLICIT getting raped. I've blogged about it before so no need to bring up shitty things. #survivor So it's been emotional like I'm sure everyone  is having a difficult time. 
    I went to Stater bros to do some grocery shopping and i wore a bandana as a mask.  Tjis is the twilight zone!
    Be safe everyone. 
  22. butch1977

    MASKS!

    By butch1977,

    Dear blog, well now it is required by the law that in California you must wear a mask! There will be a $1000 fine if you aren't wearing a mask. It's unreal, 2 weeks ago my dog died and then last week my cousin died. It's been rough, on April 9 it marks the 20 year anniversary of  EXPLICIT getting raped. I've blogged about it before so no need to bring up shitty things. #survivor So it's been emotional like I'm sure everyone  is having a difficult time. 
    I went to Stater bros to do some grocery shopping and i wore a bandana as a mask.  Tjis is the twilight zone!
    Be safe everyone. 
  23. butch1977
    It is now required by law that everyone in California has to wear a fasce mask.  There is a $1000 fine!
    We are on lockdown.  Jesus take the wheel. Or find me a time machine  and take me back to 1987.
  25. butch1977
    so here I am its 1:34 a.m. 
    Lockdown in California
    All of this crazy shit in the world. The panic and hysteria is not getting better. It's getting worse 
    I was already sad and it's hard dealing with bipolar and my.ptsd. I've been having nightmares every night when i do get sleep.
    Gotta run, 
     
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