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butch1977

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Blog Entries posted by butch1977

  1. butch1977

    Catatonia

    By butch1977,

    So I've been really feeling sad, Sadder than the usual, I miss my husband. 
    I always have had nightmares and i just recently discovered that my bad dreams are night terrors. I hate it, I have this recurring nightmare that I'm on a sinking ship.
    Ever since I got back from Oregon I've really been sad.
  2. butch1977

    The Cos!

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So right now, I'm trying to not feel so sad. I just took a huge bong rip. I'm so lonely.  I've been more emotional than usual.  It's really bad. One good thing is this Friday my sister and I are going to see Xtina at the Hollywood Bowl. She's gonna be with the Phil harmonic. It's gonna be awesome. Right now I'm blasting Bionic.
    So cancer is in full swing. Yesterday was Bill Cosby's birthday.  #isupportthecos He's been released from prison!  I never believed any of that crap. So I love the cos and I give zero fs. I always said #freethecos
  3. butch1977

    44

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So on June 24th I turned 44. I really hate birthdays they're awful right now it's like 12:30 in the morning and I'm feeling really lonely and really sad I can't I'm so sick of it. So I'm trying to keep my mind on other things so I decided I will work on this blog I don't know about that onlyfans s*** it's I have for the picture I put up a picture that was not something I do usually put up and it was at onlyfans crap so I'm going to put a picture of my ass on here it's not like I was doing something obscene and I gave zero F's so but I also have told personal stories that where could be shocking to some interesting to self but I've cuz I get all these messages from right cheek it's really dirty stuff and there's a price next to it that's pretty sad she has went down so far so fast she's asking me if I want to see her do these really vulgar things and she's calling me Daddy I'd rather watch the orphan when she goes daddy daddy so I really love the orphan I've been watching the orphan the past I like two weeks oh and on my only fans page you can go and watch the Orphan, hell house 2 the Abaddon Hotel, Victim and other good things 
  4. butch1977

    Onlyfans influencer

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So i just smoked a big fattie i rolled. I never had a problem smoking alone. The lonely feeling is just awful. I can't stand it. I can't handle getting even more sad. I created a onlyfans. Right cheek is on it and i wanted to like her and u could only do so if u had a profile lmao. It's sad cuz right cheek sends me all these nasty messages and they always have a price!! It's sad, i gave her a $3 tip and she said what was she gonna do with 3 dollars, i left this long ass comment on how 3 is a lucky number. I decided I'm going to be an influencer on only fans. Lmfao,
    I'm listening to Garbage, they had a new album come out, i got it on cd and green vinyl. I'm high as a kite.
  5. butch1977

    Forever Sad

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    Right now I'm blasting Hung Up, i just had a little meltdown. I just thought about Ian, I'm clearly not over him. We were best friends and now we don't even speak. Having a broken heart is unbearable. I would rather be at the dentist or in the hospital. It's worse than my nightmares, I'd rather have a night terror. Nightmares end when u wake up, you get to leave the hospital and the dentist.  The nighttime is worse the loneliness i feel is a the worst I've ever felt. I use to like being alone now i just want to hide . It's 4am and i just took a bong rip. I have some dank, so that's good. Last monday i finally had the surgery for my kidney stone problem. Coronavirus canceled it cuz it was supposed to be done in November. Thats like 6 ***CENSORED*** months ago. 
    The last 6 months I've felt the worst physical and mental pain ever. I'm not shitting you. 
    The disintegration of my "soul sister's' over 20 year friendship is really sad and disappointing. The fact that she's actually oblivious to what is going on is astounding to me. Im flabbergasted.  She just keeps putting her foot in her mouth and she's talking such unbelievable talk she's going right up her own asshole and I'm not going there. I didn't want to go on this ride. If anyone out there is feeling sad, i hope u feel better. You do matter.
  6. butch1977

    Stoned

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So I'm pretty stoned right now. I called discount dank this evening and i got some flower. I luv the lady who takes calls. She always calls me eugene 
  7. butch1977

    Still sad

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    My meds i take at night says that marijuana  can make u more drowsy. That's true. Writing messages takes so long, it is kind of like slow motion. I take these for my bipolar and ptsd. I've always been sad but the sad and lonely feeling i feel now is unreal, it's ***CENSORED*** unbearable. I should have known my happiness has the black cloud too. When ian and i were together, i was happy actually happy i was so happy and i had never had that feeling of true honest happiness. I didn't know i could feel that way. Losing that happiness  has left me truly brokenhearted and devastated.  I'm unable to move on. That is the honest truth. It feels worse than a nightmare cuz there is no waking up. It's real,  there is no escaping from it. The actual sick feeling. Its the awful feeling u have in nightmares but u wake up cuz its so upsetting.  Except now that horrible feeling is taking place now. I feel so lonely and unloved like a sad lonely pathetic ***CENSORED***. 
  8. butch1977

    PHONES SUCK

    By butch1977,


    Menk
    So my current phone, the galaxy s7 active is not working correctly I am using this galaxy s4. ***CENSORED*** att, 
    When this phone was acting up, something with the memory card always had errors.  Then since I'm not rich my current phone the galaxy s7 cost me a thousands of dollars. The morons at att, added a new number with a line of service that I had to pay. I needed a new phone, not a new number. The ONLY way to to fix this was to pay the full balance instead of payments. So I was now paying 65.00 more cuz this new number. U know att screwed up. From what I was told from one of the many customer service representatives there was no way to override this in their computer service. Yet there mobile site has been revamped multiple times.  Atts Facebook had blocked me! There is more but.  This small phone is giving me a headache. 
  9. butch1977

    Sad

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    I was uploading pictures and then i saw all these other old pictures. Now i feel like i wanna cry. I'm all alone. And im sad. Yeah now I'm crying i hate it. 😢😧
  10. butch1977

    Friends

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    So I've been having a binge of highway to heaven.  I was a kid back in the 80s when it was on . IT was a great there always was a good message and it was a feel-good show today I feel really tainted I'm tired of feeling painted those so-called friends that pissed me off are oblivious. It's really frustrating to have your friends not even know that they really hurt your feelings it makes you feel really stupid like "friends what is a friend.
  11. butch1977

    TAINTED

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    Tomorrow i have another Dentist appointment.  I hate the dentist so much. My ptsd has been a real struggle. Since September  i have been really down. First i got dumped, then in October,  my appendix ruptured and I had to have surgery and i was in the hospital for a week and i had kidney stones.  The first 3 days i was only allowed to have ice chips! It sucked and the pain was unreal. Because of coronavirus no visitors were allowed.  When i got out of the hospital  i lost close to 20 pounds. When i got out of the hospital i was in lots of pain and i no longer had my dad bod that i had embraced. At Christmas time my supposed 2 best friends of over 20 years really disappointed me and hurt my feelings. During Christmas i had an awful toothache that made my face swell up and i looked like elephant man.  Things were tough and painful and instead of having support from my friends, my bestie kicked me when i was down and she knew what she said was not cool but she said it. I told my other best friend. Her husband, not even an hour later,  i told him that she really hurt my feelings  and i wanted to get that out and not let it fester.  He always  can be a mediator and think clear,  not this time. I heard nothing from him. He was so busy in his music studio and  only thinking of himself. *** i was a key worker in building the studio. Nobody ever asked me if I was able to do the job, and for free i might ad. But my bestie had already recruited me for the job. It would have been nice to have known that i was going to be needed EVERY day. One day i told my friend i wasn't feeling well and i couldn't help.  She said please just for a few hours. And me the idiot and good friend that i am went anyways. 
    I should have mentioned that  months prior to that i helped with the moving of two different houses for them and guess what I did that for free too. 
    So after i was dumped i booked a flight to oregon to try and save my relationship.  I asked my friend for a favor, if he could drive me to the airport.  He said NO!!  and he used the coronavirus as the reason he wasn't  able or allowed to give me the ride. So i didnt get to oregon. Firstly my bf was living with me and my family and circumstances were forcing him to leave. During that time, i had asked my bestie if he could stay the night just one night at their house because he had no place to go. My bestie had said  "no" he couldn't  she gave the excuse because they were in the process of moving that she couldn't allow it. Remember it was me who was helping with the moving. So i was disappointed and  me and my bf had to camp  at  one of the local parks. 
    Those are the only favors i have asked in 10 years.  That's the truth.   
    Ive been devastated from the breakup and i know he still loves me. So i sent him flowers,  then my bff, bestie. Soul sister, sent me a message, let me say. Christmas and new years both passed and i hadn't got any messages from her. So when i saw she sent me a message. When i read it, it started out like this....."I don't  mean to be rude, but if he broke up with you why are you sending him flowers "
    REALLY, REALLY  she didn't "mean to be rude" ***CENSORED*** you, that's bullshit. After everything  i had dealt with, and my dog had died  a few days after she said that.
    Since then she has spoke with my mom and instead of just owning the fact that she was being a straight up ***CENSORED*** and not supportive. She was explaining that she 'didn't want to see me get hurt anymore" that made me think of the time she said i needed to detox from my medication. I take it for my depression bipolar mental  issues. She made it sound like i was a drug addict. 
    So in my world, they no longer exist. 
    That was kinda like a rant.
  12. butch1977

    Sad

    By butch1977,


    Mood
    I'm really sad.  It's the worst ever. Getting dumped, surgery, and more bullshit. My life has fallen apart. I think we are on lockdown too. I hate my nightmares they have always been  scary. Now, my life is worse than a living nightmare. It's awful. Now, i wish that my nightmares were my reality. Because  feeling sad and devastated is unbearable. So ive been trying to keep myself busy.  Im having an episode of mania. I'm going to teach myself to play the piano too. I'm sick of crying. 
  13. butch1977

    Dr. Stella!

    By butch1977,

    https://www.instagram.com/p/CDSY970lOWi/?igshid=yd9htnykq577
     
    Well i haven't been on lately. Ive been having some manic emotional episodes.  No bueno, I'm not going to repeat my feelings. I'll post my Ig post where I express myself.  
  14. butch1977
    so here I am its 1:34 a.m. 
    Lockdown in California
    All of this crazy shit in the world. The panic and hysteria is not getting better. It's getting worse 
    I was already sad and it's hard dealing with bipolar and my.ptsd. I've been having nightmares every night when i do get sleep.
    Gotta run, 
     
    Cont.
  16. butch1977

    Blue Alien

    By butch1977,

    So I'm smoking this dank called blue alien it's really good I'm stoned I feel like Maria I be in a deep depression it's really awful. I don't like all of this judgment and death I just think it's tainted I want none of  thismb, 
  17. butch1977

    Goodbye Felecia

    By butch1977,

    Well I'm able to post on Facebook but I'm being threatened with suspension for 30 days if I violste the terms. Facebook is bullshit. It's depressing and too much drama at least. Here on Icon it's a ghost town.
  18. butch1977

    Home Again

    By butch1977,

    Well I'm back home in California, it was so nice to see my husband. Oregon is a really beautiful state it's so green. I knew it was going to be emotional and I was right. When the plane took off I was in tears. Wearing a mask and crying while saying goodbye to loved ones is a drag!
  19. butch1977

    Oregon!

    By butch1977,

    So tomorrow I'm taking a plane to Oregon and im going to see my husband. I'm so excited. I'm trying to remain as calm as I can, with this pandemic bullshit happening. So tomorrow i will be going in an Airport and on a plane and I have to wear a mask. Isn't that bizarre. The fear isn't terrorists anymore!
  20. butch1977

    Sadney

    By butch1977,

    So ive been in a real deep depression. My mind is manic as hell. My husband went to Oregon last july. Last year i was on the chopping block and everything went awry. Then he was in oregon and we became a ling distance relationship.  When i wasted 16 years of my life and i was in a vicious cycle and he lived in this shitty town called Hemet and he was under 100 miles. It would usually take maybe 1 and a half hours to drive. That was all a joke. But here i am alone during a pandemic and my soulmate is over 1000 miles away. 
  22. butch1977

    MASKS!

    By butch1977,

    Dear blog, well now it is required by the law that in California you must wear a mask! There will be a $1000 fine if you aren't wearing a mask. It's unreal, 2 weeks ago my dog died and then last week my cousin died. It's been rough, on April 9 it marks the 20 year anniversary of  EXPLICIT getting raped. I've blogged about it before so no need to bring up shitty things. #survivor So it's been emotional like I'm sure everyone  is having a difficult time. 
    I went to Stater bros to do some grocery shopping and i wore a bandana as a mask.  Tjis is the twilight zone!
    Be safe everyone. 
  23. butch1977

    MASKS!

    By butch1977,

    Dear blog, well now it is required by the law that in California you must wear a mask! There will be a $1000 fine if you aren't wearing a mask. It's unreal, 2 weeks ago my dog died and then last week my cousin died. It's been rough, on April 9 it marks the 20 year anniversary of  EXPLICIT getting raped. I've blogged about it before so no need to bring up shitty things. #survivor So it's been emotional like I'm sure everyone  is having a difficult time. 
    I went to Stater bros to do some grocery shopping and i wore a bandana as a mask.  Tjis is the twilight zone!
    Be safe everyone. 
  24. butch1977
    It is now required by law that everyone in California has to wear a fasce mask.  There is a $1000 fine!
    We are on lockdown.  Jesus take the wheel. Or find me a time machine  and take me back to 1987.
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