I am also a writer..

I write poetry...in my own languague 'dutch'

But I'm afraid...

Afraid of my feelings...

Afraid for what I would feel...when reality hits me in the face...

I've lost contact with so many dear close ones...

All because they couldn't understand me...and listen to society who also have a wrong impression...

I used to be a troubled girl...

I had years of help from proffessionels...

But now...

I'm strong enough...to stand on my own feet...

They cannot understand this...

They do not understand the battles...

I'm afraid...

I'm afraid for what I would feel...when I start writing again...

The next reaction I gave to some friends and as comment by the youtube clip after seeing the performance on the Confession Tour when Madonna is singing 'Live to Tell'...

Omg...I can't speak a word...

I can only be quit...and listen...really listen...

I feel deeply respect...

And wonder why she had to use such a strong symbol...

When I heard of the performance...

I too had an critic opinion...

Even during the performance...

Untill the end...then everything becomes clear...

She urns deeply respect...

Especially because so also shows her vulnerability...

Below is a link to my Facebook..

This item is so important...that I think that the whole world should read and see it..

Therefore I post it as a Public...

https://m.facebook.com/rebecca.baltus.37/albums/351361088346857/

In order to get over my past...I used strong Proverbs...

They gave me the strenght...the currage...in order to continu with my stronger growing selfconsius...

The Proverbs (spreuken) will get stronger...and clearer when you go further...

These Proverbs...describes my path to selfconsius...during the last 3 weeks...

It describe my strengh...the battles...the pain...the losses...

But at the end...

I'll be so much stronger...and wiser...

In the link below...you can find these Proverbs on my facebook...it's a display of my battle to get more selfconsius. ..

https://m.facebook.com/rebecca.baltus.37/albums/338224242993875/?_rdr

I see that several people have read my story...

But what I don't understand...is that nobody gave a reaction...

My English isn't that good...but I'm sure you can understand what I'm writing...

We all love Madonna...and are inspired by her in our own way...

I'm strong...just like Madonna and some of you people...

But a strong person also needs attention from time to time...

I don't know you people...so I will be open-minded...

We all have an interest in Madonna...so why not support other fans...

I'm strong...but won't bite immediantly

All I'm asking...is compassion...

We all have our storries...some beautiful...others are heart-breaking...

Why not support each other?

Why not look at the things that we have incommon...

I'm addicted to the youtube clip of you...

I replay and replay your performance at the Confession Tour... When you sing 'Live to Tell'...

I'm afraid...

I want to hold on to you...

Cause how will I handle the truth...

The truth...that I lost a lot of my close ones...

Because they could not understand me...and prefer to listen to society...

Please help...

I know I grew to be strong...that I can handle this...

But there is a diverence between knowing and feeling...

I'm 29 years old...and I've been trough a lot...

It made me stronger and wiser...

But also I...need some attention now and than...

To feel warm...to feel appriciated...to feel loved...

Please...give me some sign you've read my story...

Let me know...that there are still people who wants to hear what I have to say...

This is why I can't let go of the youtube clip...where Madonna had also 'a tail to tell'...

She even used a very powerfull symbol...Jezus cross...

What have I to do...to be heared...

What have I to do...to get some attention...

Madonna,

How spiritual are you?

How strong is your connection with God?

Is it true.

That everything is in Balance.

Is it true.

That even God has positive and negative sides?

I receive so many lessons from him.

It's too much.

Too much to handle right now.

He's standards and expactations are too high right now.

Can I ask Him.

To lower his lessons.

Will He be mad.

And leave me alone again.

Or will He respect me more.

Because I can see the Balance.

The Balance in nature.

The Balance in people.

The Balance in Him.

Please respond to me.

I can understand that you have a busy life.

But please.

I need guidence.

I have done things.

In my past.

To survive.

The old-fashioned church.

Would not approve 3 things, or choises I have made.

Altough God could understand me, and forgave me.

I went to the church.

Last Sunday, not yesterday, but the sunday before that.

It was my first real visite.

Not as a tourist.

But as a believer.

I don't know.

Who to trust.

There are many connections possible with God.

Who has almost the same connection with Him, as I have.

I think and feel,

That You have almost the same connection with Him, as I have.

I ask You for Help,

Because I have no one else to turn to with these issues.

I get some help from one of my collega.

But it's not enough.

She doesn't have the answers I'm looking for.

She is very wice and has al lot of experience.

But not with this.

I'm very tired and overloadded.

The most simple English words, can I not remember, or I forget to wright it well.

Experience, I had to look twice, before I wrote it correctly.

Come on.

I need rest.

I need time to settle again.

I have corrected all of my latest mistakes.

I have listend to all the lessons God gave me the past view days.

But I am to tired now.

I need rest.

But my connection with God.

Is barely 2 weeks old now.

I don't know The Bible very well

And I am to tired.

To read it right now.

I don't what to piss of God.

But his lessons are too much for me right now

I have no else to turn to with these questions.

Because I have done things in my past to survive

But the old-fashioned church, would not approve of that.

Although God could understand my choises, and forgave me.

Please help me.

I am Strong.

and I don't aks for help normally.

But I am almost begging You.

Please help me.

I think and feel,

That you could help me.

That you are the chosen one.

To help me.

I have no else.

That believes and thinks almost te same way as I do.

Please help.

Madonna,

You are telling my story as well, at your song 'live to tell'

Are we indeed connected to each other, closely connected?

I have to controle myself.

So I won't shout at you, or the community.

That I don't use Capital Letters.

If we are truly connected,

But maybe have a bit of different character,

Than I don't have to explain myself any further to you.

You can understand what I am going through.

You can understand my actions and choises.

Who helped you.

To become the beautiful woman you are now.

Did you do it all alone.

Or did someone help you.

If someone helped you.

Would you pleace help me?

If you did it all on your own.

Deeply respect, it must have been very difficult.

So difficult, that I ask you again to help me.

No one should go through this alone.

I hope that you can see.

What kind of person I can become.

I know my destiny.

And it's big.

I will help a lot of other people.

But first

I have to help myself.

To heal my wonds.

To get confidence again in myself.

This is necessary.

In order to help other people.

Please help me.

Now I'm begging.

I am confident now.

That we are closely connected to each other.

Becease 'the tail that we have to tell'

sounds almost the same

Please help me.

I had to sleep

and not put 3 hours of my energie in you.

But you are worth it.

I am worth it.

That I do this to myself.

But please.

Now I need some attention.

Or I still wil not survive.

And will never tell 'my tail that I have to tell'

Please Madonna.

Help me.

I believe that we are closely connected.

I don't want your money.

altough I could really use it right now.

I don't what your fame.

You urned it, not I.

My fame will come some day.

But I have to be ready.

And not be overwelhemd by al the stuff that is necessary in order to be ready.

Please Madonna.

Help me.

I believe that we are closely connected.

And have almost the same tail to tell.

You in America.

I in the Netherlands.

Please help me.

Madonna,

How do you give your lessons to others?

This song, was just a wake-up call,

'shines in you' the only real messenge to others.

This was your song, your tail.

'Not ready for the fog'

Nor am I right now.

'To blind to see te writing on the wall'

Damn, I have been blind for so long, I was so stubborn.

'Seen the beauty'

As do I, I'm still enjoy life, dispite my many troubles

'Learned my lessons wel'

As do I, finally, it took me a long way to get there

'Hope to live to tell story (or something) I have learned'

Exact what my intension are in the futher.

I have to sleep.

I have to rest.

I have to eat.

I don't care anymore.

I'm so interresed in you right now.

Yes, I have a very low self-esteem

Rationaly, I know what I am worth.

Emotionaly, is a very different story.

I don't care anymore.

To be vulnerabel.

I don't care anymore.

That I have to show myself 'naked'

Sometimes, this is necessary, in order to archieve a higher purpose.

What lessons do you have learned?

What have you gone through?

How do you give your lessons to the people?

This song, was just an introduction.

How wil you continu, when the society gave you so much undeserved critics?

Can we help each other?

I intend to became a sort of social worker (don't know the right English word)

I have learned a lot off psychiatry.

And know a lot off the hard way to get there in practisch.

In about 15 Years or so.

I have writen a new system te help people with psychic troubles.

Could we help each other?

Your knowledge, and mine knowledge.

Your profession, and mine profession.

Could we have a positive and powerfull influenze on each other?

So that we can archieve our ultimated goals?

Why became I more interresed in you, than I already was.

Why was I looking for power woman.

Why couldn't I find the videoclip with your fake pointlike boobs.

But came I across your videoclip at your confession tour with your number 'live to tell' while you where hanging on Jezus Cross?

The first minutes, I watched with disbelieve.

How could she do that, this is wrong.

But I stayed fixed on the screen.

I had to see the end.

I could understand immediantly understand the obvious reason, but also the first and second layer beneath it.

A hour ago, I could understand the third layer beneath it.

And that is why I am confinced, the we have a close connection with each other.

I don't understand myself, why I am trying so hard to confince you, that I allow myself, that I completely forget about myself and why I need now, rest and food.

Am I now confinced, that I have confinced you.

Was this necessary, in order to get contact with you

was this necessary, in order that I can relax, and listen to my needs now.

I'm not bagging anymore.

If you are not confidenced after all this energie en troubke I put in to you.

Than I will still be a fan of you.

But you have hurt me than, so my loalty towards you becomes smaller.

This is not a tread, or emotional blackmail.

It's just the truth.

I should have faith.

Than you will see the connection too.

That you know, that you are one of mine 'teachers'

I trust you, Madonna

I trust God, that in someway, active of passive, our connection and the real meaning will show itself.

If it becomes a passive interaction.

I have to accept that, and I will

Even if I am a bit disappointed, life goes on.

I trust you, Madonna

That you will make the right choise.

Madonna,

What had just happend to me...

Why did I receive these Lessons today...

Why do you ask attention...for the children in Africa...

and didn't you choose another goal..

(sorry...I'm to tired...to look up the right word...yes...I have faith in our connection...but I'm overwelhemd...by the Lessons from God..and the moment...he presents them)

What do you believe...and know...about the real reason...of the people in Africa...

I received a few lessons...and the reason for Eastern society...after I've been knocked down again today...by the Western society...

I began to hate the Western society...so much...that God had to act...and had to show me...the reason for the Western society...

How is this possible...

That He acts...at the right moment...

Or could He have been to late..

Is the balance of Mother Earth...already a lost case...

I don't know what to believe anymore...

I trust God...and the new received insides..

But is He always right...

I'm glad...

He listend to me today...

I asked Him...

to give me time...

so I can handle his Lessons...

I was afraid...

that I had offend him...

and he would leave me...

But he didn't...

And acted only...this evening...

Madonna,

I'm a new 'student'...

With no other students around me...

When you have the time...

Would you please contact me, at least ones...

So I can treaser that moment forever...

So that you can comfort me...

And tell me only the few importend things I need to know...

So that I have truly faith in God...en truly faith in myself...

Madonna,

I have also received...some other importend Lessons and Insides...witch I have to know at this moment...to have faith in myself and my destiny...

What other Lesson...will God give me...

When I'm stronger again...and have true faith in myself...

The first...and most importend Lessons from him...

The true meaning off love...

I don't have to be afraid anymore...

My choises have been correct...

The second Lessons...

The gray aera...off the human problems in the western society.

The third Lessons...

The potentials that lies within me...

The fourth Lessons...

The reasons...for the different society...

Damn...It looks like a logic pattern (also to tired...to look up...the right word)

Do you see now...

Why I need some guidence...

I have to write it down...

So that I can really understand Gods Lessons...

But my self-esteem is so low at the moment...

That I won't write it down for myself...

I need other people at the moment...

So I can Tell and Learn Gods Lessons...at the same time...

The Western society...has destroyed me deep within...

But I Will Come Back...Stronger and Wiser...Than Anybody Could Imagine...

Only...This path...is so lonely...

I wouldn't wish an other human being...to go through this...

Ignorens...is a blessing...

Not for all...but they don't have to worry so much...

How far are your collega on this path...

Britney Spears...

Christina Aguilera...

These 2 have potentional..

Because of my troubles... I've missed a lot the last couple of years...

Britney Spears...with her song 'Toxic'...Her strenght...Her dislike of the way...people could treat others..

At least...this is my interpretation...

Britney's songs 'Stronger'...'Overprotected'...'My Perogative'... did she wrote those songs herself...

These songs...are also telling my story...

Christina Aguilera...I'm not so familiar with her...

But her song 'Fighter'...gave me courage...as did 'Can't hold us down'

Lady Gaga...has also potentional...

But the way she expresse herself...is a little to much for me

And there are others...who I think...have the potentials...to see the world...as it really is...

And now you are curieus...what songs I prefer from you...except 'live to tell'...

'Like a prayer' was the first number...I heard from you...It became the number between my best friend and I...we learned the lyrics en had to sing it... when we where in the 7e grade of primaire school...

The second one..that made an impression...'Frozen'...we heard it a few times on the road...to the national championship of synchronized swimming...I was 14 then...

Then...when I began to go out and get wild during the nightlife times of my life...

There is no beginning...and no end...

You've written or song..so many different kind of lyrics in so many different styles and music tunes...

You made music...for every oppertunity...

Thank you for that...

You deserve and urned your spot...

I know your songs...but I have to disappoint you...that I still haven't had the time...to check your public lifestory...

So the connection I think and feel between us...

Becomes from your songs...

What kind off top artist...are you than...

You deserve all the credit...

As you can see...I'm overwelhemd by all the insides...but have also an extreme interresed in you...

Not like most people...I haven't had time to check your background yet...

But my interresed in you...is based on our close connection... our intuition...and that we have also simulair ideas...

At least...that's what I think...

I hope you have soon the time to respond...

At least one time please...will you do me the honor...

Maybe you agent...manager...social guirdian...or something...wil introduce my tail to you...

And sees...that I am I need of help...

And that I can become...a important person too...

As you probably have noticed...

Selfcontrole...is also not my strongest side right now...

That will change...

I have faith...

But I can use a little help...

I have no other 'student' around me...

I'm all alone...

And I have to learn quick...and a lot...despite my knowledge I've learned over the past few years...

I have to learn quick...otherwise...I will not make it...because there are so many wonds...and they are so deep...

I hope to speak to you soon...

Will you do me the honor...

Of at least having contact with you...ones in my lifetime...

Lovely Greetings from The Netherlands,

Rebby

Madonna,

I have so much to tell you...

And I have so much to ask you...

What reviels my writing...about my character...

Could you be open for me...

Although you can see...or guess my negative side...

What is your negatieve side...

And why is that...

I hope you can read and see my despiration...

I feel so alone...

I don't what to stalk you...

But I have no one else to turn to...

Who truly can understand the positieve change inside me...

I choose my words well...

Although you may understand...

That I really want to Shout...

Not personally...but at all the unjust...

Don't get the wrong idea...

I can take care of myself...

I'm not a tread...to myself...or to others...

but my undeserved pain...and despiration..are real...

I know...that I have to let you go...

or at least...post one messenge a day...

I know...that my colleagues..will take care of me...

But that the rapid change...is also difficult for them...

How wil I truly trust people again...

After I've lost so many...and some where treatening me...

The real story...shouldn't be public...

But trust me...it's really chocking...

Am I dealing with reality the right way...

I began with my sad story...

Then the admiration for you...

Then my strenght...and Lessons...

Again my admiration for you...

And now...back to reality...my sad story...

Is the next fase...again my strenght...

Is this how grieve works...

Or at least...big grieve...

The constant change...

The constant switch...

Between the negatieve...and the positieve...

Is this the way...you can get over your past...

Is this the way...that things are barable (sorry)

So that you can get controle on life again...

What kind of woman...do you see in me...

How fast will I learn...

How fast can I grown to te person I want to be..

I said earlier...that I have to let you go...

Or at least...try to controle and believe myself...

And sent you one messenge a day...

But how cruel is that...

Because of all my pain and despaire...

Trust...

I Know...

But how...

Please Madonna...

Will you give me the last piece of advice that I need...

Madonna,

Today...was my day to Shine...

I combined all the Lessons I've learned so far...

And acted...like a real Professional...

I send an e-mail to all the great 'teachers' I've had so far..

I apologished for my behavoir...

I told them...what I have learned from them...

And I spoke like an Equal...and gave a critic note...to there short-comings...

Wow...what a day...

I've chased people away...

But I also...can bring people together...

My 3 places...where I've learned the Lessons...

There is a change now...that they will work together...

Wow...is this one of the reasons...

Why God put me on this Planet...

Did I find finally find...my real place in the society...

I'm still young...29 years old...

And I know...that I still have a long way to get there...

But Wow...does this mean...that the wind is finally changing it's direction...

Will I finally get...a more peacefull life...

I know that there still will be dark days...

But is the big fighting...finally over...

Do I now deserve...a more peacefull life...

Below there is a link to my facebook account...

This does not only show this messenge above...

But contains also 5 motivating Proverbs...

Witch helped me...during the proces...

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=358985574251075&id=100004189064209

Madonna,

Are there reasons...

Why you don't give a reaction right now...

If you already have read my story...

Reasons...that I still have to learn..

When will I be ready...

When will contact be allowed and be safe...

Please...

I have never had a real inspiration sours before...

Why became you the one for me...

Why now...at this cruciaal moment...

What do I know...and is true...

What words are action...are not correct...

My early comment...

How will you give your lessons to the people...

Was I wrong...

Did I not see...

That you already give the people already these lessons...

Do I have to watch...

All your performance of the 'Confession Tour'...

Will people see...

The real meaning...

What you try to say...

Are there really 3 layers...

Madonna,

Will you still read my progress...

Knowing...that it could be difficult for you...

Can I ask this off you..

How strong and wise...

Do you have to be...

Or is our life already connect...

And am I doing your a favour...

That I can also influenze the people on this community...

That I already helping you...

That I am helping your fans...

So that they can really learn your lessons...

Madonna,

Altough that I am going trough a beautiful process...

That I can find back...the real me...

IS THERE TERRIBLE INJUSTICE IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW...

I TRUST YOU...AND OUR CONNECTION...

THAT YOU WILL ONLY INTERVENE...

WHEN I...WITH MY OWN CONNECTION...

ARE LOSING THE FIGHT...

SORRY...FOR THE CAPITAL LETTERS...

I'm terrified right now...

Altough my strengh and wisdom...

You can't controle other people...

Or the national settings...

With there influenze on your life...

I HAVE TO ASK YOU...A DIFFICULT SELFISH REQUEST...

Earlier...I wrote...that I don't what your money...

THIS IS STILL TRUE...

BUT BECAUSE OF THE INJUSTICE IN MY LIFE...

AM I IN REAL FINANCE TROUBLE...

AND BECAUSE OF OUR CONNECTION...

I HAVE TO ASK YOU THIS DIFFICULT SELFISH REQUEST...

Would you please contact me...

Pure business...

Or act in a passive way...

YOU DON'T HAVE TE ACT OF COURSE...

BUT I WOULD BE GRATEFULL...

FOR ETERNETY...

I FEEL SHAME...

That I ask this of you...

That I ask this in public...

I can understand...

If this messenge...

will be deleted...

Madonna,

Wow...

Did the real spiritual and emotional connection...

just took place...

I think I can feel your emotions now...

As I watch the performance 'live to tell'...

At least...the compassion in the beginning...

I was too excited...to watch further...

And had to tell you immediantly...

How is this possible...

It's just a captured moving image...

From a few years back...

I've had these connections before...

With 4 other woman...

Only one...has the same connection back...

But I was only capable...

Of feeling there emotions...

When we were in the same room...

My grand-mother...

Can exactly tell...How I feel...

No matter the distance...

But she is less spiritual than me...

Although I don't have...

The same connection to her...

How do I prevent...

That I want to much...

And to soon...

How do I not lose...

The reality I'm in...

At this moment...

What is the real meaning...

Of the number 3...

It's constantly popping up to me...

The following numbers...

Where intinctief...my favorites...

2...4...6...8...12...

Number 7...

A few weeks back...

My 7 insides...

What is happing with me...

Madonna,

Omg...

What kind of person was I in previous life...

What kind of person where you in previous life...

Have we already meet each other before...

My birthdate and year / 4

Gives a 8.5

So the 8 and the 9

My birthmonth is 11

My birthyear is 22

This makes a totaal of 33

Help...

Who am I...

Who was I...

Am I allowed...

To post this public...

I can understand now...

Why you are not contacting me...

If you've read my story...

This can destroy...

Are connection for good...

But why...

Why would I not listen to you...

You have the knowledge...

To say the right things...

Tonight...

I go to see my meditation teacher again...

After 3 years...

She has a spiritual en emotional connection with me...

But because of all the troubles in my life...

I contacted her...

and she became a part of my story...

for the last 4 weeks...

I need her now...

I need her wisdow now...

Because of her connection with me...

She only send 4 short messengers...

The past 4 weeks...

Tonight...

I will see her again...

After 3 years...

Her actual 'training'...

Started 4 years ago...

When see was a student...

At the meditation center...

I've meet her 4 years ago...

And stopt to go to meetings...

3 years ago...

But she has the knowledges...

To see me tonight...

You are much longer spiritual...

So if my meditation teacher can have contact with me...

Why not you...

Sorry...

Maybe...

I want to much right now...

And much too fast...

Madonna,

IMPORTANT QUESTION...

If you have made the spiritual and emotional connection as well...

I would kindly ask...

That if you are able...

The feel very powerfull intimated feelings...

If you would give me the privacy...

And break the connection for a while...

Is this truly possible...

And not fiction at all...

Madonna,

Yes...

I know how I can use the connection with you...

And the other 2 new connections today..

With my 2 meditation teachers...

I have some trouble...

With me second chakra...

I can be to sexual...

But I used our connection...

And the connection...

With my favorite meditation teacher...

I felt warmth and compassion...

So I became relax again...

And let the sexual tention go...

I know...

That I can become...

Very powerfull...

And that I can harm people...

So I asked God...

To protect 2 off my teachers...

I than realised...

That I still can do them some harm...

If they upset me...

So I asked God...

To protect me as well...

So that I feel warmth and compassion...

If someone upsets me...

So that I don't use destructieve behavoir...

I also learned...

The balance...

Of this magnifacent day...

Fysical pain...

So I need to learn to control myself...

And that I'm gratefull...

for what I already have...

Madonna,

I have to wait till monday...

Before I can learn...

Some protective technique...

I'm very open right now...

To open maybe...

I have to believe in God...

And in my intuition...

So that it won't go badly...

Monday...

Will be very important to me...

My spiritual colleque...

We don't have the connection yet...

But or normal band...

Is broke right now...

To much has happend...

The past 6 months...

I think I've hurt her somehow...

Are that she is afraid of something...

I know the world and proffesion field I'm in well enough...

That it had something to do with her past...

But I have to hold on to monday...

And should have full confidence...

In God and my intuition...

Madonna,

Last post today (or better...tonight)

I am controlling myself more...

There are still 3 things I want to do or know...

But this is my last move for today...

When became you a spiritual person...

When did you wrote 'live to tell'..

When was your 'Confession Tour'... 2010...

Is there some rule...

When you can tell the whole world your lessons...

Why did I saw...

That my big moment...

Is over 15 years...

Madonna,

Below are 2 poetries...

Witch I wrote during my 14 years of struggle...

These 2 are in English instead of Dutch...

And have a bit of quality...

And are not...too personal...

The call

Is the time there now

To make this tough decision.

Knowing that there are

Two different ends at this mission

Can I take those feelings

That will come over me?

And will there also be times

That I can let it go and feel free?

Should I make the call

And put the thing in movement?

Or should I still wait

And put my feelings in the basement?

06-10-2010

Rebecca

Illusion or Reality

Silence

No words, no sounds

No dreams, no hopes

Just silence

Awkward

Painful and sadness

Frightened and empty

Just awkward

Illusions

My life, my identity

My safety, my own

Just illusions

Reality

Lightness and darkness

Goals and mistakes

Just reality

Goals

To reach, to achieve

To give direction and hope

That are goals

Lightness

Something to fight for

Something to earn

That's lightness

Illusions

Pretty, but painful

No change to grow

Just STUCK in Illusions

Reality

Hard, but doable

A change to grow

And PROUD in Reality

21-05-2010

Rebecca

AS YOU CAN SEE...

THE SPIRITUAL PERSON...

WHO ALREADY KNEW...

HOW THE WORLD REALLY IS...

WAS ALREADY INSIDE ME...

MADONNA'S WORDS:

SHINES WITHIN YOU...

REMEMBER THEM...

Madonna,

I hope you know how I am feeling right now...

And I hope...

That you will react on it...

With love,

Rebby

Madonna,

What are you feeling...

when you read these messenges...

How desperate do you feel...

When I follow the wrong conclussion...

Why are some messenges of my still public...

Although you and your staff...

Have good reasons to deleted them...

Do you feel that it is nessecery...

That your fans can read the progress...

How many other ways are there...

To become real open again...