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Well happy belated 420 to all my fellow smokers out there. I hope everyone smoked their brains out. This might sound unbelievable but I haven't smoked, i did last night and i didn't get to bed till really late, so i smoked when it was still night and none of the actual day time of 420 did I smoke. I didn't even get any text messages from anyone saying happy 420, well I rarely get messages, getting text messages from Del Taco really doesn't count. It's kind of sad because there was a time when I had a couple friends that were serious smokers and I was very close to. I have to realize that when you don't hear from someone even if this person said they wanted to be friends you never hear anything then that is saying basically I don't want to be your friend and to ***CENSORED*** off. I need to face the fact that a friendship is over. At one time we were engaged and I was so happy. We never got into arguments and never fought. He was always good to me, i had never been cared about and loved like that. The relationship was sabotaged by my brother and his lies it wasn't like it was a bad and abusive relationship. All of my songs and my music came from it. My song in Spanish called My Spanish Stuff was something I did in trying to save the love and not give up. but it was like I poured out my heart and it was all for nothing because I haven't heard a single word and I feel like such a fool because it's like I never existed. It's hard when the one you cared for most just leaves you in the dust like you were nothing. I never had anything bad to say about him, but the actual facts and the reality of my life and what happened is hard to accept. To treat someone like this who was always good to you, and who you would say how special and important i was. To ignore me like and treat me like nothing is a really shitty thing to do and that's a pretty heartless thing to do to someone. When he had no place to live and no car to get anywhere. he lived with me, and we got along so well. we had a friendship and respect for eachother that I had never experienced. So the reality that i was treated like an old glove and just thrown away is actually the worst pain I've ever felt. I know there has been things in his life that have affected how he handles things. He went through some horrible shit when he was a kid and then had an evil whore of a stepmom who didn't make things easy for him. So i know he had developed survival skills that weren't the healthiest and he wasn't given the tools and support to handle situations. But i wasn't the bad person and he said he wanted to still be friends so to do this is a real mind f*ck and it's not cool. So how I feel now is I wish that we never met, because when you have nothing but positive and good memories and then are left in the dust not knowing what happened it's a shitty feeling. I have enough actual bad memories that are painful so when good memories are all you have with only positive things. Then that's all gone like it never existed, it really hurts so if i never had met him, then there would be no memories at all, but being haunted by good times and happiness is the most fucked up feeling. That saying of better to have loved and lost is better than never have being loved at all is total bullshit. Because the happiness that is with love is like no other, and when you have never felt that way but then you experience love. When it is gone, it's gone, then you have memories of happiness but all it brings you is pain and heartache. If i wouldn't have felt love than I wouldn't know how painful it is to have lost it. because I wouldn't know what I was missing. So whoever came up with that saying just said that to make themselves feel better, because there knowing and feeling love and then it being gone there is no way that it's better. unless you like the feeling of losing something because it doesn't give you any comfort if you are all alone. unless you are in some kind of vicious cycle where you were deceived and thought you were in love and felt like you were and it turned your life around to where you were now a better and happier person because you were in love at one point. So that saying is bullshit and if anyone believes that explain to me why it's better. Anyways that's what's on my mind. If I could get amnesia that would be nice.


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