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Your song saved my life



Regrettably, I doubt the Queen of Pop, herself, will ever get wind of this (oh, it'd be nice if she did, but... c'est la vie), nor do I think anyone else here will ever likely read it.  Yet I felt compelled to write it nonetheless.  I also hadn't a clue where else to post it.  So,... here it goes...

I've suffered from a lifelong battle with depression that first seemed to manifest itself when I was 8 years old.  That was the age that I began to "experiment with death," as I put it.  It was the start of a VERY long cycle of parasuicide activities that led to more than a half dozen serious suicide attempts for the next 35 years (the last one slitting my wrist on Veterans' Day, 2013. That was symbolic, since I am one), in addition being pockmarked by sporadic substance abuse.  Over the subsequent decades, I was eventually diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder (apparently this one began biologically as the catalyst of everything else as my brain was forming in my youth), PTSD, and Social Anxiety Disorder (developed recently 4 years ago.  I was previously always extremely outgoing)... or, in all, "a head full of bad wiring," as i put it self-deprecatingly.  (Despite this, I have never been a danger to anyone BUT myself.  Mental heath issues sadly all too often get an unwarranted bad rap thanks to sensationalized film depictions, the media, and the most extreme of cases.  For the great majority of us afflicted, those incidents typify the exception and not the rule.  I cannot overstate this.)  Thus, eventually receiving extensive therapy and medication to alleviate the worst of it.  And to a degree, all of which helps immensely.  It's an up and down cycle.  And I know that.  However, the depression beast is always there in the background just waiting for the ideal opportunity to commence its insidious attack for a weak moment in my armor.

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to shake loose of this incapacitating episode for the last 7 months.  I lost my girlfriend before Thanksgiving... I unexpected quit my job 3 years ago (that was the impulsive borderline in me) and haven't been able to secure another one nor even get my foot in the door (I've only just had one interview in all this time!)... mounting medical bills... et cetera, et cetera... the list goes on ad nauseam.  Consequently. the developing shadow of darkness grows worse week by week.  Hell, my secret Christmas wish was to develop cancer, refuse treatment, and die agonizingly by the end of the year.  Day by day, I struggle with simply trying to voluntarily summon the will to WANT TO stay alive.  However, it'd now gotten to the point where I'm just overwhelmingly weary and defeated and just hellbent on self-persecution and self-destruction.  Personal acceptance that "going away" would be the best course for everyone's benefit.  Resigned to die.  The calmness before the storm.  I even began deleting all of my social media accounts in preparation of what's to come.  "Just cleaning house.  Erasing my existence.  No one will miss me..."

Anyway... fast forward to 2 days ago to the crux of the story...

I'd always been a fan since the Borderline days, although I became a HUGE fan after the Like a Prayer album dropped.  Yet, for reasons I honestly can't explain, I haven't bought, much less listened to, a Madonna album en toto since Something to Remember!  I can't give an answer why.  I dunno... maybe it was the whole backlash of the Erotica days.  Who knows... 

Anyway, for some unknown reason or other I decided to watch the Rebel Heart Tour concert film... just for the hell of it... no other reason.  While I can say that I did genuinely enjoy it on the whole, it was one particular song that spoke to me on a profoundly intimate and personal level.  Rebel Heart.  I found it extraordinarily uplifting and I felt as if it was written for me!  I pondered over the lyrics for quite some time afterwards.  Later, after downloading the album, I played the song on an endless loop for a couple hours until I was comfortable enough to put down my boot knife and not go through with plunging it into my heart between my ribs.

So, in a real sense, your song did save my life... if even just for a couple days longer.


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Thank you for the kind words!... however... two weeks after I submitted this entry, I was taken to the hospital for a suicide attempt where I spent the next week.

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