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A Letter Of Deep Gratitude To Madonna:


seanmmore

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It All Began In April Of 2007, I Had Been Hospitalized From The Infectious Parasite Known As Ichthyosis Vulgaris,A Rare Skin Disease Which Resembles Fish Scales Built Up Upon Layers Of Skin. I Called My "Adopted Mom"Janet Munn To Tell Her That I Had Been In And Out Of Hospitals All Month. Jan Listened Patiently Until I Was Done,Asking If I Was O.K. If I Needed Anything And How She Could Help? After I Explained To Jan That I Was Much Better She Paused And Told Me She Had Also Been Hospitalized. Jan Then Proceeded To Tell Me That She Had Been Diagnosed With Stage Four Breast Cancer.Stage Four Breast Cancer Carries 100% Fatality. I Remember Tearing Up On The Phone But I Was Damned If I Would Let Her Hear It In My Voice! I Asked Jan What I Could Do And What She Needed? The Doctors Told Jan That She Needed To Make A Will And Get Her Affairs In Order, That She WOULD Die In Four Months! I Began Going With Jan To Her Radiation Treatments Around My Work Schedule. At The Time I Was Working Sixteen Hour Days And Working In A Recording Studio At Night Writing And Recording My Songs. Between These Two Jobs I Would Have A Close Friend Take Me To Jan's Trailer And Spend Time With Her. I Could See The Dramatic Weight Loss And The Tiredness In Her Eyes. After She Lost Around 150 Pounds,I Remembered Our First Phone Conversation Back In April. During This Time I Was Homeless And Lost My Jobs. I Began Sleeping On Park Benches At Night And Eating Out Of Trash Cans At The Local Park.I Couldn't Let Jan Know,It Would Devastate Her. I Needed To Be The Strong One. I Remember Renting A Hotel Room From Time To Time After Working A Temp Job Here And There. On Particular Evening,Jan Told Me That The Cancer Was Gone From Her Breasts. But The Doctors Neglected To Test Other Organs.Jan Told Me That She Was Taking Chemotherapy Once A Week. I Remember Going To My Hotel Room And Laying In The Shower Sobbing-I Knew Then That Jan Was Going To Pass Away Soon.I Set Up A My Space Band Profile And Started Uploading My Songs I Had Been Writing And Recording. In The Mean Time I Started Working For A L.G.B.T. Magazine. Although The Gay Owner Never Paid Me,I Stayed Until Jan Passed. I Received The Phone Call from Her Daughter On December 4Th,2007 At 10:45 A.M. Fifteen Minutes After Jan Took Her Last Breath In The Hospital. On My My Space Profile I Posted Her Passing And Two People Wrote To Me;My Dear Friend Gay Icon Ben Patrick Johnson And Apparently Madonna. Ben's Sister Also Had Breast Cancer And She Was Surviving. During Jan's Struggle,I Wrote And Called The American Breast Cancer Association For Help,Jan Had Spent Her Life Saving On Radiation Therapy And She Needed Help Paying For Her Chemotherapy. I Remember The American Breast Cancer Association Said Jan Didn't Fit Their Criteria, She Had Been Fired From Her Job Of More Than Ten Years Right After She Reached Sixty Five. And She Didn't Make X Amount Of Dollars.According To The American Cancer Association,Jan Wasn't Worth Saving! I Have Been Involved In Many Charities;I Helped Raise $65,000.00 For The Reno,Nevada A.I.D.S. Walk, I Have Supported Pediatric A.I.D.s And The International Animal Welfare Fund.But I Could Not Save Jan.In A Letter From Madonna Herself(Apparently,Or Madonna's My Space Moderator.)I Found Kindness. The Letter Read That Madonna Also Lost Her Mother To Breast Cancer And Could Empathize With My Broken Heart. The Letter Continued Not To Lose Faith Or Hope,That Jan Was In A Better Place,Far From Pain.Signed Madonna. I Will Never Know If It Was In Fact Madonna Herself Or Someone Within Her Camp,But I Believe Within My Heart That Madonna Reached Out To Me In My Time Of Heart Break. One Day, Soon After Jan's Passing,I Walked Across Town To Jan's Trailer In Another City;It Was Void Of Her Candles And Her Welcoming Open Door,The Smell Of Her Perfume. Just Black Windows In An Empty Trailer.I Knew I Couldn't Stay In Nevada A Day More,So I Packed A Backpack,Boarded A Greyhound Bus And Relocated To Portland,Maine:3,410 Miles Away. I Started My Life Anew;Homeless, With No Money,No Clothes,No Food,And No Shelter. I Believed That I Would Overcome All Obstacles And Begin Writing And Recording Music For My Debut Album. I Went To The Public Library And Hopped On A Computer To Check My My Space Band Profile;Suddenly I Found Hope Again. I Found More Than Fifty Fan Letters. Ben Patrick Johnson Had Written Me A Beautiful Letter And Then I Found Another Letter From Madonna? Commenting On My Music.An Uplifting Letter Which Gave Me Determination To Work Towards The Single Goal Of Continuing To Write And Record My Work. Additionally I Found A Letter From One Of Madonna's Producers Of The Song"Deeper And Deeper."Supporting My Work And Writing Of How Touching My Songs Were. Six Weeks After I landed In Portland,ME; I Was Hospitalized For "Vertigo"-A Debilitating Illness I Still Suffer From. Then Came The Trips To The Psych Ward And Mental Institutions;I Was Losing Myself! I Couldn't Grasp Reality Anymore.I Began Attempting Suicide Weekly For Months. Slitting My Wrist Or Overdosing On Psych Medications. In Between The Asylum Trips I Would Check My My Space Account And Reread Madonna's Letters Of Encouragement? Also More And More Fans Were Writing To Me ( : This Always Encouraged Me To Have Faith And Never Let Go Of Hope. Next I Applied For Disability And Began Seeing An Incredible Psychiatrist Named Jean Burton. Jean And I Developed A Close Friendship And It Was Jean Who Would Diagnose Me A Year And A Half Later With Severe Depression ( Inherited From My Mother)Severe Crippling Anxiety And Schizo-Affective Disorder.( Hearing Voices And Seeing Things.)We Began To Locate And Isolate My Past Childhood And Teen Years For Domestic And Sexual Abuse. When I First Started To See Jean I Had Amnesia And Couldn't Remember Only My Childhood And Teen Years. We Discovered That I Had Drowned When I was Four And A Half. During This Incident My Heart Had Stopped And The Canal's Current Had Taken My Life Briefly. Also,We Discovered That I Had Been Molested As A Child By A Babysitter And Her Gay Friend. And Finally From The Age Of Nine Years Old To Fourteen I Had Been Physically Abused By My Mother's Husband At That Time: When My Mother Went To Work,He Would Lock Me In A Storage Shed All Day And Force Chewing Tobacco Down My Throat Until I Vomited And Passed Out.Also,He Would Tie Me Up And Sometimes He Would Lash Out. Often I Would be Forced To Go Without Dinner And My Little Brother And Older Sister Were Forced To Watch As He Violated And Beat Our Mother Black And Blue. He Would Also Take A Baseball Bat Covered With Nails And Beat Our Family Dogs Until Blood Covered Their Coat. My Little Brother Would Often Go To His Father's Apartment For Months On End Because Of Joint Custody And My Mother Kicked My Older Sister Out Of The House At The Age Of 12. This Left Me Alone With My Mother's Husband For Hours On End. He Would Daily Have Violent Outbursts Resulting In Beatings And Smashing Things In The House. Back To Present Day: Jean My Psychiatrist Believed That I Developed Schizo-Affective Disorder During Those Years Of Domestic Violence.We Also Discovered That At The Age Of 23, I Left Home And Became Homeless For About A Month;I Had A Psychotic Episode With My Mother And Walked Out The Door Calling Her Filthy Names And Telling Her She Was Dead To Me. I Befriended An Older Gay Man Named Bill Metz Who Took Me In For A Month And Helped Me Find A Job And A Motel To Live In. Bill Would End Up Dead The Following Year Due To A Skin Head Hate Crime. Just Prior To Bill's Death We Dated. But One Night He Invited Me To A Dinner Party And We Had A Fight And I Had Another Psychotic Episode And I Told Him I Was Leaving Him And I Hated Him And I Never Wanted To See His Face Ever Again.Five Days Later A Homicide Detective Shows Up At My Place Of Employment And Arrested Me For Bill's Death.This Was In June Of 1994.During The Interrogation I Was Shown Pictures Of Bill's Lifeless Body Featuring The Twenty Two Stab Wounds To His Chest And Back.Apparently Bill Was Cruising A Skin Head In A Park And They Parked At A High School Where The Skin Head Tied Bill To A Tree, Stabbed Him Repeatedly And Locked His Car Keys In His Car Along With His Cell Phone.Bill Crawled To His Car But Died As The Police Showed Up.An Officer Told Me That"The Poor Faggot's Heart Was Still Pumping Blood When The Ambulance Arrived."I Had Another Episode During The Interrogation And Began To Hyperventilate And Had Severe Anxiety. After Hours Without A Lawyer And Illegal Interrogation Tactics The Homicide Division Found I Had Been Working Overtime Twenty Miles Away When Bill Was Stabbed To Death. This Took A Severe Toll On My Psyche And I Lost All Of My Friends Who Believed I Was A Murderer. I Spent The Next Several Years Isolated And Completely Alone. I Would Meet Jan Munn In 1998 And We Knew We Would Always Be Friends. Twenty years Would Go By Without Any Contact With My Family. Until October 31ST,2011. I Set Up A FaceBook Account And My Sister Had Spent Twenty Years Searching For Me.She Found Me On FaceBook And Told Me That Our Mother Was Dying From Ovarian Cancer.She Asked Me To Call Home And Try To Talk To Our Mother Before She Passed Away. My Sister Asked Me To Try And Bring Closure To Our Relationship. Our Mother Knew That I was Gay And Apparently Stated That My Father was Gay And She Knew I Would Be Gay And Treated Me Terribly All Those Years. I Loved Our Mother But She Never Forgave Me For Being Gay.I Called Our Mother And My Sister On November 1ST,2011 At Around 8:00P.M. I Couldn't Understand What Our Mother Was Trying To Say Over The Phone But All I Could Say Was"This Is Sean,Your Son:I Love You And I've Missed You."My Sister Had Translated Over The Phone That My Mother Was Asking Me"Are You O.K.? Have You Been O.K.?" I Hung Up The Phone And Learned That My Mother Passed The Next Morning On November 2ND,2011 At 10:15A.M.I Believe My Mother Waited To Hear My Voice And Find Closure Before She Passed.I Went Back To My Space That Morning And Read My Fan Mail Including My Saved Ben Patrick Johnson Letters And Madonna's Letters.Jean Put Me On Twenty One Pills A Day For Mental Illness. Three Antipsychotics,Two Depression Medications,Two Anxiety Medications,And Several For Mood Stabilization. In 2010 I Was Awarded Disability After Twenty One Years Of Filing.I Moved from Portland To Westbrook,ME And Began Building My In Home Recording Studio. I Changed Genres From New Age/Hip Hop/Rock To Metal/Industrial/Glam/Rock I Have Written And Recorded Seven Songs On Number One Music Dot Com And ReverbNation. Jean And I Have Reduced My Psych Medications To Eleven A Day.Jean And I Still See Each Other After Five Beautiful Years.I Have A Therapist Now.A Close Friend Of Jean,By The Name Of Teg Glendon. Teg In His Spare Time Is A Known Recording Artist.( : I'm Involved With Peer Support For Mental Illness I Work With Other People Living With Mental Illness. I Have Been Involved In Therapeutic "Tapping"The Metaphysical Pressure Point Therapy. I Play The Guitar For Therapy. I Haven't Been Hospitalized For More Than Six Months Now. And I Recently Adopted A "Special Needs" Feline,Who Needs Me (Due To Her Medical Condition)As Much As I Need Her. She Makes Me Smile.And Finally I Have Been asked To Consider Working On A Suicide Hotline Team To Help Those Who Call In,In Crisis.I Feel Healthy, Happy And At Peace These Days!Thanks To My Beautiful Sister And Her Children, My Support Team,Jean,Teg,Scott And Greg. ( : Those Of You Reading This Who Battle Suicide Ideation,You Are Not Alone There Is Help,There Are People Who Care.Please,Please Don't Be Afraid To Reach Out;We Are Here For You And We Love You! ( :

-Thank You Madonna,For Your Support And Kindness.

-Sincerely.

Mr."Sean M More".

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