Mike Myers: Is this Madonna?
Madonna: Well, unfortunately, yes. [laughs]
Mike Myers: How’s it goin’?
Madonna: I’m O.K. I’m getting my nails done.
Mike Myers: Which nails?
Madonna: My toenails. Have you ever gotten a pedicure?
Mike Myers: Yes, I have.
Madonna: Isn’t it wonderful?
Mike Myers: It’s heavenly. Sort of takes you back to having monkeys pick out your lice. Isn’t that a charming thing to say?
Madonna: Where are you calling me from?
Mike Myers: I’m calling you from Los Angeleeze.
Madonna: Oh, you’re in the same city I’m in. Do you live here?
Mike Myers: No. Robin [Ruzan] and I have rented a little house here while we’re doing Wayne’s World 2.
Madonna: Are you nervous about getting married to Robin [this May]?
Mike Myers: We’ve been together for five years, so I’m not…
Madonna: That nervous.
Mike Myers: No.
Madonna: I think that everyone should get married at least once, so you can see what a silly, outdated institution it is. [both laugh]
Mike Myers: Well, thank you, Mrs. Sunshine!
Madonna: Now, what about her name?
Mike Myers: Her name? Robin?
Madonna: I know. Don’t you think she should change it?
Mike Myers: To "Batman"?
Madonna: No! [exasperated]
Mike Myers: Yikes!
Madonna: I’ve just always had a problem with the name Robin. Go figure. I’ll just call her Mrs. Myers.
Mike Myers: I’d be honored if you call her Mrs. Myers. Now, I’m supposed to be interviewing you.
Madonna: I know, but I just have to ask you some questions, ’cause I haven’t seen you in so long.
Mike Myers: O.K. Ask away.
Madonna: When’s your new movie coming out?
Mike Myers: August. It’s called So, I Married an Axe Murderer.
Madonna: I know what it’s called – I wanted to be in it!
Mike Myers: Did you?
Madonna: Yeah, but my agents thought it would be bad for my reputation. I read the script. It’s cute.
Mike Myers: Oh, good.
Madonna: Well, I’ll shell out the seven dollars for it.
Mike Myers: Seven-fifty, more like! Probably eight.
Madonna: I hardly ever pay to see a movie. I just go and grovel to, like, the manager and say, "Please don’t make me wait in line, people are staring at me," and then they let me in.
Mike Myers: I don’t have those problems, but…
Madonna: You have others. We all have problem, Mike.
Mike Myers: Oh, you gotta second? My life sucks. Help me, man, I’m sick! [pretends to cry]
Madonna: We’re all sick, baby. That’s why we’re in this business. It’s a prerequisite.
Mike Myers: Well, the only way that I can think to interview you is to do, like, a college-newspaper interview.
Madonna: So you ask me what my favorite color is and stuff?
Mike Myers: All those things, yeah. What’s your favorite toy?
Madonna: My favorite toy? I don’t have toys.
Mike Myers: You don’t have Legos?
Madonna: My favorite toy is my answering machine.
Mike Myers: All right, that’s a good answer.
Madonna: That’s the only thing I play with. Well, that’s not the only thing, but this is an interview. O.K.- next!
Mike Myers: What’s your favorite candy?
Madonna: Charms Blow Pops, because they’re hard on the outside and soft on the inside. [giggles] You can suck them or crunch them. And there’s always a surprise inside.
Mike Myers: [deep voice] Paging Dr. Freud!
Mike Myers: Freud was just taken out on a stretcher right now. O.K. What’s your favorite dog?
Madonna: It’s a close race between a pit bull and Johnny Depp.
Mike Myers: Oh-ho! Saucer of mile, table two! Meow! Bing, bing, bing!
Madonna: Do I sound bitter?
Mike Myers: Nah. How about going out with Johnny Depp?
Madonna: My name is too long for a tattoo. We could never go out.
Mike Myers: Ahhh. [slyly] You know, they’re recording this.
Madonna: Is someone listening to our conversation?
Mike Myers: No. Nobody’s listening to it right now, but…
Madonna: They will listen to it. That’s the story of my life.
Mike Myers: It’s a little frightening.
Madonna: That’s all right, I haven’t said anything incriminating. But I intend to!
Mike Myers: What’s your most embarrassing moment?
Madonna: Right now.
Mike Myers: What’s your favorite picture in Sex?
Madonna: In my book?
Mike Myers: Yes.
Madonna: Or in your book?
Mike Myers: No, I haven’t brought out my sex book yet.
Madonna: I don’t have any favorite pictures, because it happened so long ago, I’m over it. I’m on to the next thing.
Mike Myers: I liked the book, by the way.
Madonna: Did you? You weren’t full of rage, like the rest of the United States? [laughs] Didn’t you think it was funny? Nobody got the funniness.
Mike Myers: Um, I thought it was very entertaining.
Mike Myers: I have a question! You know, I do a character called Dieter…
Madonna: You do?
Mike Myers: Yes.
Madonna: Well, I didn’t copy you.
Mike Myers: Oh, man – like, I’m calling you right now and accusing you of plagiarism? [laughs]
Madonna: Well, everybody else does. Some woman is threatening a lawsuit cause she claims she has a book called Sex, and I apparently ruined her literary career.
Mike Myers: Oh, dear.
Madonna: Oh, Dieter! How many times have you been sued?
Mike Myers: I’ve never been sued.
Madonna: Just wait. One more year of being rich and famous and the lawsuits will just start rollin’ in like clockwork.
Mike Myers: I remember when I was sitting there with you and Roseanne, and you guys were sharing war stories. I thought, Oh, I’d quit. But here I am, on the job. Who do you relate to more? Barbie or Midge?
Madonna: Who’s Midge?
Mike Myers: Midge was Barbie’s friend.
Madonna: I don’t relate to either of them; I don’t relate to dolls.
Mike Myers: I’ll strike it from the record. Betty or Wilma?
Madonna: Neither. I don’t watch TV. I wasn’t allowed to, as a child. My father thought it was going to rot our brains. He forced us to read instead, and I’m glad he did. There aren’t that many people in this town who know who Blazac and Steinbeck are.
Mike Myers: O.K. Which of them do you relate to more?
Mike Myers: Good, we’re making progress! You grew up in Detroit?
Madonna: I haven’t grown up yet.
Mike Myers: Could you.. just shut up?
Madonna: Could I just shut up and let you answer the questions?
Mike Myers: Shut up, shut up and answer the questions! The Detroit Red Wings are playing the Toronto Maple Leafs in the play-offs right now. Who do you want to win?
Madonna: I don’t really care.
Mike Myers: [hushed] Thank you, Dr. No!
Madonna: Would you ask me some questions that have a resonance to my life? This interview is mostly about what you’re interested in: toys and hockey.
Mike Myers: Is it more about me than it is about you?
Madonna: Yes, but don’t you realize that all interviews are?
Mike Myers: More about the interviewer than the interviewee?
Madonna: Absolutely. And all reviews are more about the writer than what they’re reviewing. They’re Rorschach tests.
Mike Myers: yes, this is true. Do you believe in psychics?
Madonna: Sometimes I believe them and sometimes I don’t, depending on how well their eyebrows are plucked.
Mike Myers: Have you ever contacted the spirit world?
Madonna: Probably a couple of times when I played Ouija board. I tried to contact John Kennedy. I said, "Show me a sign," and then the girl I was playing with, like, her mascara started running, so I was sure he was in the room with me.
Mike Myers: Why do I feel like I’m interviewing Sophie Tucker?
Madonna: Because I don’t shut up?
Mike Myers: No, that wasn’t a slight. You’re telling very funny jokes of a political-cum-bawdy nature.
Madonna: Is that sexual innuendo?
Mike Myers: No, it was pseudointellectual discourse.
Madonna: Oh. I can’t relate to those. Do you ever think we’ll do more than a skit together?
Mike Myers: Yes. It’s my goal for us to work together.
Madonna: ‘Cause I have this idea that we should do a remake of Some Like It Hot, only with you and Garth playing the Tony Curtis/Jack Lemmon parts. Sharon Stone should play the Marilyn Monroe part and I’m gonna play the bandleader. Only I want to change it slightly, I’m going to fire the Marilyn Monroe character for being unprofessional, and then we’ll see what develops from there!
Mike Myers: That is one of my favorite movies. Marilyn was brilliant. She was really overweight, but really, really sexy!
Madonna: That’s right, baby! So think about it.
Mike Myers: [phony agent voice] "I’ll have my people call your people."
Madonna: Our agents will have lunch. Now, what street do you live on?
Mike Myers: Um, is this gonna be in the thing?
Madonna: Oh, God! Who cares what street you live on, is all I have to say! There’s this fun thing to do when you want to stay in a hotel under another name. You take your middle name and the street that you live on and that’s your name. So, what would your name be?
Mike Myers: My name would be John Mulholland.
Madonna: [laughs] Sounds like movie-star name.
Mike Myers: A porno-star name.
Madonna: What’s the difference?
Mike Myers: We’re all porno actors, in our own way.
Madonna: We’re all prostitutes, on our own way.
Mike Myers: [slightly pretentious accent] Listen, according to Jean-Luc Gobard, in his movie Two or Three Things I know About Her, "We’re all just prostitutes, ourselves." So what’s your pseudonym?
Madonna: Mine is Louise Sunset Boulevard – don’t you think that’s pretty? It sounds like a movie star’s name, too.
Mike Myers: We live really close- you should come by for sugar sometime.
Madonna: I’d love to.
Mike Myers: Do you want to come over today?
Madonna: I’m getting my nails done. Maybe I’ll drive down. Could I bring my girlfriend Ingrid?
Mike Myers: Ingrid can absolutely come. We’ll have coffee.
Madonna: Well tawk. What color’s the house?
Mike Myers: It’s um…
Madonna: Oh, you don’t want to say that in the interview. I don’t worry about anything I’ve said.
Mike Myers: I’m always afraid. But you’re hugey-huge. [He tells her his exact address.]
Madonna: All right, so now I know where to go if I don’t like this interview.
Mike Myers: I never interviewed anybody before.