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Found 10 results

  1. butch1977

    Calm Down

    I'm having a meltdown and I'm trying to calm myself down. I've been really sad all day and do people really over sensitive and had more than one crying episode today and they're happening over and over like back-to-back I can't handle it. I am having anxiety and panic attacks like never before.I've had panic or anxiety attacks since I was a kid but this is scaring me. My sadness and depression is at an all-time high and I think of being an empath make it hard. I'm doing my best to keep busy I've even started learning to play the ukulele and I did the vocals for another song the other day and it was in an actual recording booth and if it's a song that I was in singing is a sad song I wrote it to and came up with a melody but it was a lot different then I'm at the songs did lot different than hot dogs and recording this song as of Ben Waymart that was the scene of it is what was difficult because I'm not a singer I am an artist. It seems like every everyday I'm really like fighting to not be sad to not get sad and it's a losing battle and when it gets night time it gets even worse. It gets awful and the loneliness is almost unbearable. I'm so unhappy, I actually have a song that's available on itunes and i hate itunes. I believe Hotdogs could be a hit. But there's a black cloud that is always close by. The song i was laying vocals for is called Alone and i wrote the lyrics and its a melody i came up with. But it's a sad song. Ive been collaborating with a cool producer named Erric and he even remastered Hotdogs, The sad song was not easy to sing and nervous laughing isnt sad. I had to feel that sadness and get sad . It was difficult, my voice cracked . The producer said 'damn that made me sad' he said I did well. He said he knew i could do it when i was having doubts. It was intense. My panic meltdown has calmed down so I'm thankful for that. Have a good weekend everyone.
  2. Merry Christmas so I can have some updates to to everything I'm really high as a kite right now and so this might not make sense but my new single my first single ever hot dogs is going to be coming out out soon buy whole album was not planned it was some sonnets and poems Shakespearean sonnets to be correct and somehow it. Has ended with our kind came to me singing or speaking whatever I don't know how to explain it but I've really been kind of sad and today has been I'm pretty sad but I've kept it together and it's 4:08 a.m. so it's a new day and I just smoked big blunt that was really decent I'm trying to remain calm and not start to panic because I've been panicking a lot lately and it's very disturbing and it's scaring me kind of but the song Hot Dogs my producer is telling me to have the album art artwork ready and it's coming along but she originally said that my album was going to be up before Halloween and and Halloween was months ago but it's just a little strange that in other words over Christmas I was having a bad gout attack and I was walking around with my cane like Selma Blair but it really hurt thank goodness it's going away but it's not good and I think I'm going through an episode of mania because I'm I don't know how to just describe it but it's nothing more than all over the place it's like today I was watching a hummingbird feeder and I had filled all of them today I made new hummingbird food but I was sitting in my car getting stoned and I was just staring off into will not staring off into space just looking atla cast the front door to the house and just thinking all this sad stuff end like not being able to snap out of it it was I know I hated it it was really awful and I never I always could do you like Nat and just get up and wipe all that s*** off I've been really sad being all alone at 4:15 a.m. is really sad I used to not give a s*** but now lonely this in the silence it's almost dead deafening did you hear that did anyone stomach just Rumble I just had the classic you're wondering where that came from I am doing I don't know what it's called speaking and it's like writing everything out I know it has a word but so that's why it's if you're reading this is like like whoa whoa whoa whoa but it's easier to do this then really stoned and crying that type this little device and it takes a long ass time so doing it like this is way easier I tried and like before it posts or I put it on I like to proofread bike on God damn Instagram the way it's set up if you go back and you want it edit your post where the cursor is is that on the on the page you have to scroll up or scroll down and then when you pillow letter it goes all the way back up to the it's just as this weird thing so it's editing picture is not like it was before before I think it is that was done on in more other news it's 4:18 a.m. it's almost 4:20 a.m. and I was just going to mention Simon by completely forgot what I was getting at anyways just chairs made this weird sound that I'm sitting on it sounds funny it's f****** cold let me see it's a f****** 30-something degrees I had my blankies on it's little heater that's not working very well it's 4:19 a.m. damn I am so damn stone oh that's why I was going to I didn't know I was going to talk about my only fans page and no it's not what your what anyone's thinking of what that it was summer time I wanted to do Stephon the yard and all that and work on my tan and content like that my scar from that surgery ended up getting all jacked up so I had to wear a shirt so it didn't get more messed up so there went that influencer part about the tan B so it is now 4:20 a.m.
  3. butch1977

    Instagram

    So I've spent a majority of last night and this morning in tears. I've just been really down, i was just on ig. I was taking some bong rips and i saw Madonna's latest post. She can post whatever she likes. I don't judge. But these days social media haters are downright mean. The comments made me really sad, they were a majority of mean, ageist comments. The amount of comments coming from life long fans who don't consider themselves fans anymore. Madonna has been pushing buttons since day one. But this I don't understand giving haters more fuel to talk shit. Madonna can shock people in many ways. She doesn't need to get naked. These days, people are ridiculed no matter what they do. Someone always gets upset about something, but she's giving haters material and having comments on is just allowing and welcoming the negativity. Unless Madonna wants to read mean things about herself. I just really am sad and really depressed and seeing all the comments bashing her just bothers me. Right now i need some positivity because I've lost it Feeling hopeless has been trying to take over.
  4. butch1977

    November

    happy Halloween so it's now November 1st and Halloween was yesterday it was decent but I was severely sad and its eally starting to be an issue. and I having anxiety and these controllable meltdowns or just little things and then I will blubbering mess and it's like I can't pull it together it's it's f****** awful and the feeling of how awful end just like it's a nightmare that's how it is that scared feeling it's it's and it's been getting worse it hasn't been getting better at all and play album was I think I had mentioned that the perp my producer said it would be out by 9 or before Halloween and of well it's Halloween was yesterday and my time in the studio this last week was early too have a longer time to get do more however by the time was cut short because my producer had a appointment for getting a haircut I'm not shiting you and then there was a little talk about it but it's not really important if it was like moving a house in like physical labor not the one to come to but really in getting more disappointed in my supposed best friends I think whenever I'm writing a Blog on here I'm talking about how sad I am and it's but it's getting worse and worse and it's okay I was going to stop beating around the bush if someone says or talks about suicide you one of the things listed in the what you should do is for support to the person who's feeling like that one of them was to Safe safer going to do something and and do it actually do it keep commitments and s*** like that and it also has versus its to be taking taken seriously majorly and if you would it's gotten to the point to where you have been to this more than once like a shitload and getting a little more more knowledge about it and get sentence respond response that is if it's not supportive especially when you say you're going to do something for his and then did it doesn't happen but the social media shows that all of this other stuff is big oh taken care of and addressed and album artwork that I created and this is what I got out of the hospital last year I saw that it was it was you some of it was used but it look like it had been edited somehow is that just rubs me the wrong way and I think it that's like a shity thing to do cuz I don't know about you but a friend shouldn't well sirens there was some Sirens just going by and I thought I was recording this video but I'm writing a Blog what I'm speaking into the of tablet because if I was busy it would be really hard to be typing all of this but to sum it all up I think a response a few weeks ago with is it this weekend we'll talk about the subject of pills and then when that happens it's it's not even mentioned again so I'm trying to. Put as he was identity out there but I remember also blocking about my friends who had really hurt my feelings this is the same friend if there is just Ben selfish behavior on the other part again and again and it's not cool and especially with how the difficult things have been and I'm not I don't want anyone's sympathy but I might just likes some understanding be because friends or anyone basically says it fits they talk about suicide that it's serious and it's not it's not something that's supposed to be I just have really gotten sick of like that total it's very sad and of it's really sad that you can that best friends that you would deduct do it anything for because just because but they will give you the same date when you have someone who if they say they're going to do it and is always there and does it 2 I've seen probably way too much that bye best friends when it when it comes down to it they're more concerned with themselves and that's a pretty selfish it's especially when just laziness on the other part I just took a huge bong rip Police telephone that's another thing why using the speaker on this s*** because it's typing on the phone cats like whoa It's takes even longer so except some of the things that it's it doesn't allow to forward f*** it has the little like simple do you know what I'm saying but how much do and I lost my train of thought but basically tres just one protect this is that and don't expect to be treated nice. And daididau 8% of people are more concerned with themselves and it's really selfish and it's pretty rude especially with these selfish people aren't getting what they want and then they're like complaining to you about it it's stupid and all these people with goddamn amnesia they say something good don't follow through with it you know what like that previous the topic I was talking about so so anyways that's about all that go to bed it's it's already 3 3 a.m. but this sundowning s*** that's black people only old people had that is he what he's
  5. butch1977

    Lonely

    It's about 2:30 a.m. and I'm starting to feel sad. It's that really bad feeling. I feel really lonely right now. the loneliness is so awful it makes me want to just jump out of my skin but I can't and there's nowhere to go and there's nothing that will make it stop. Ever since the disintegration getting dumped. Everything has been really tough besides my appendix rupturing and having to go to the hospital and have surgery last year but I feel so alone is it it's awful in my mind starts thinking all this crazy s*** is it sucks there's nothing worse than having meltdown at like 3 in the morning and you're all alone it sucks. I have this anxious feeling and it's kind of scaring me. It always happens late at night. My mind starts to think way too much and think about things that do nothing to help all it does is make me start to panic and it's hard. I've really been practicing on the keyboard and coming up with my own melodies and writing songs it's a new way of therapy. my friend is a musician and he's in a band and he is helping me to create some music and an album or e.p. he said a breakup album and a sad and bittersweet tale
  6. Right now I'm blasting Hung Up, i just had a little meltdown. I just thought about Ian, I'm clearly not over him. We were best friends and now we don't even speak. Having a broken heart is unbearable. I would rather be at the dentist or in the hospital. It's worse than my nightmares, I'd rather have a night terror. Nightmares end when u wake up, you get to leave the hospital and the dentist. The nighttime is worse the loneliness i feel is a the worst I've ever felt. I use to like being alone now i just want to hide . It's 4am and i just took a bong rip. I have some dank, so that's good. Last monday i finally had the surgery for my kidney stone problem. Coronavirus canceled it cuz it was supposed to be done in November. Thats like 6 ***CENSORED*** months ago. The last 6 months I've felt the worst physical and mental pain ever. I'm not shitting you. The disintegration of my "soul sister's' over 20 year friendship is really sad and disappointing. The fact that she's actually oblivious to what is going on is astounding to me. Im flabbergasted. She just keeps putting her foot in her mouth and she's talking such unbelievable talk she's going right up her own asshole and I'm not going there. I didn't want to go on this ride. If anyone out there is feeling sad, i hope u feel better. You do matter.
  7. butch1977

    Still sad

    My meds i take at night says that marijuana can make u more drowsy. That's true. Writing messages takes so long, it is kind of like slow motion. I take these for my bipolar and ptsd. I've always been sad but the sad and lonely feeling i feel now is unreal, it's ***CENSORED*** unbearable. I should have known my happiness has the black cloud too. When ian and i were together, i was happy actually happy i was so happy and i had never had that feeling of true honest happiness. I didn't know i could feel that way. Losing that happiness has left me truly brokenhearted and devastated. I'm unable to move on. That is the honest truth. It feels worse than a nightmare cuz there is no waking up. It's real, there is no escaping from it. The actual sick feeling. Its the awful feeling u have in nightmares but u wake up cuz its so upsetting. Except now that horrible feeling is taking place now. I feel so lonely and unloved like a sad lonely pathetic ***CENSORED***.
  8. butch1977

    TAINTED

    Tomorrow i have another Dentist appointment. I hate the dentist so much. My ptsd has been a real struggle. Since September i have been really down. First i got dumped, then in October, my appendix ruptured and I had to have surgery and i was in the hospital for a week and i had kidney stones. The first 3 days i was only allowed to have ice chips! It sucked and the pain was unreal. Because of coronavirus no visitors were allowed. When i got out of the hospital i lost close to 20 pounds. When i got out of the hospital i was in lots of pain and i no longer had my dad bod that i had embraced. At Christmas time my supposed 2 best friends of over 20 years really disappointed me and hurt my feelings. During Christmas i had an awful toothache that made my face swell up and i looked like elephant man. Things were tough and painful and instead of having support from my friends, my bestie kicked me when i was down and she knew what she said was not cool but she said it. I told my other best friend. Her husband, not even an hour later, i told him that she really hurt my feelings and i wanted to get that out and not let it fester. He always can be a mediator and think clear, not this time. I heard nothing from him. He was so busy in his music studio and only thinking of himself. *** i was a key worker in building the studio. Nobody ever asked me if I was able to do the job, and for free i might ad. But my bestie had already recruited me for the job. It would have been nice to have known that i was going to be needed EVERY day. One day i told my friend i wasn't feeling well and i couldn't help. She said please just for a few hours. And me the idiot and good friend that i am went anyways. I should have mentioned that months prior to that i helped with the moving of two different houses for them and guess what I did that for free too. So after i was dumped i booked a flight to oregon to try and save my relationship. I asked my friend for a favor, if he could drive me to the airport. He said NO!! and he used the coronavirus as the reason he wasn't able or allowed to give me the ride. So i didnt get to oregon. Firstly my bf was living with me and my family and circumstances were forcing him to leave. During that time, i had asked my bestie if he could stay the night just one night at their house because he had no place to go. My bestie had said "no" he couldn't she gave the excuse because they were in the process of moving that she couldn't allow it. Remember it was me who was helping with the moving. So i was disappointed and me and my bf had to camp at one of the local parks. Those are the only favors i have asked in 10 years. That's the truth. Ive been devastated from the breakup and i know he still loves me. So i sent him flowers, then my bff, bestie. Soul sister, sent me a message, let me say. Christmas and new years both passed and i hadn't got any messages from her. So when i saw she sent me a message. When i read it, it started out like this....."I don't mean to be rude, but if he broke up with you why are you sending him flowers " REALLY, REALLY she didn't "mean to be rude" ***CENSORED*** you, that's bullshit. After everything i had dealt with, and my dog had died a few days after she said that. Since then she has spoke with my mom and instead of just owning the fact that she was being a straight up ***CENSORED*** and not supportive. She was explaining that she 'didn't want to see me get hurt anymore" that made me think of the time she said i needed to detox from my medication. I take it for my depression bipolar mental issues. She made it sound like i was a drug addict. So in my world, they no longer exist. That was kinda like a rant.
  9. butch1977

    Beyond sad

    My dog Rafael passed away unexpectedly. I've have been in a deep depression. Tjis had made my already fragile state of mind into a nose dive. It's eeally difficult. Being an empath on top of it. Id rather be having a nightmare because nightmares aren't real and wake up. I so sad and lonely. Im so damn stoned
  10. butch1977

    Catatonia

    So I've been really feeling sad, Sadder than the usual, I miss my husband. I always have had nightmares and i just recently discovered that my bad dreams are night terrors. I hate it, I have this recurring nightmare that I'm on a sinking ship. Ever since I got back from Oregon I've really been sad.
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